Today I saw a real live transplant, and it was one of my patients from a few placements back, so it was so nice to hear how they were doing and also nice to see them getting what they needed :)
Although it was absolutely amazing to see, something that now I have 2 shifts to go as a student, I probably won't ever get the chance to see again...it didn't excite me as much as I think it normally would have. Don't get me wrong, I loved it, I really appreciate being given the chance to see a transplant and looking back a year ago I would have literally done anything to see one, I think there are two (or possibly three) main reasons why I wasn't as excited about it...so on reflection (!) they are...
1) When I was first a student, I was excited and naive enough to be excited by watching surgery. It makes a lot of the anatomy side of things make sense, and I learn SO much from watching, and I know I've not much more time as a student left and I should enjoy it BUT when I was first a student it was an exciting thing to see but I didn't see the bigger picture. Now I'm getting on in my training I can't help but see the bigger picture. All I can think of is how the patients mam is doing (she donated) how the dad is feeling (he's waiting in the patients cubicle on his own) and how the patient will feel when they comes round. How quickly the patient and their mam will take to recover, how the dad will seperate his time between the two now that they're in different hospitals...all sorts. I feel like I can't see the black and white of things, but keep getting drawn into the grey, HOWEVER I don't think this is a bad thing at all. I feel like it's making me become a real nurse that I care about all aspects of this family.
2) I was with another student who was also in her final year, though not on her management placement, and to be honest, she was the most irritating person I have met in a long while. She thinks nurses are useless and she wants to be a doctor. So why do nursing I hear you ask? Because it makes the post graduate medicine program easier to get on to with clinical experience and also that post grad course is quicker to do (4 years as opposed to 6 or whatever). So what? Why take up the place of a potential nursing student by doing a course you don't like when you could just do into medicine first hand? She wants to do her management in theatres and she proceeded to tell me throughout the (wrong) information during the operation, I didn't say anything, just let her be cos you know what? I want to be a NURSE and I see the patient as a person, not a body. And I'm not ashamed. But this fellow student 'nurse' pretty much ruined things for me today and she made some pretty amazing mistakes when with the family in question, but it's ok, I was just glad to see the patient recover and hear their Mam did ok, then pass on the news to their dad that they was in recovery. THAT to me is real nursing, and though some people might see it as below being a doctor I don't care. It's what I love and I wouldn't change for the world.
3) I'm sad that I'm almost finished my training. I have LOVED every single second and whilst I don't cry, I can see some tears when I finish in two shifts time. It's scary to say goodbye to studentism (made up that word) and say hello to real life nursing. I've had to do an essay on the transition of student to nurse and although it's not handed in, I feel I've done badly because on some days I've mentally pre-made that transition whilst on others I'm still a student with so much more to learn and experience. I think this transition would be made so much easier on the ward I'm on, and that's how I've written the essay as I know I'd be supported so much here. Thing is there are no jobs, well none I can get, so I'm having to get my head around working on another ward and that's pretty scary!
Anyhoo that's an end to a very mixed feelings blog.
Monday 15 November 2010
Saturday 6 November 2010
6 Shifts Of Being A Student To Go
I've only got 6 shifts...or....two weeks...or...75 hours to go as a student nurse.
It makes me SO sad! I want to stay longer and work more. I still feel like I have SO much more to learn. I love the ward, the kids, the people, the MDT, I love it all. I want to stay here and never ever leave. I wish management placement was a year long. OK, that may be going too far, I couldn't survive another year on student wages, but I still feel like I have so much more to learn, experience and do and this ward is just the absolutely perfect place to do it. I want a job here! I LOVE IT!
Back to reality, there are only 4 things standing between me getting signed off as a 'proper' nurse...PROPER NURSE!
1) Getting competencies signed off, as I've had hardly any signed off this placement, no fault of anyone, just cos it's gone so quickly and we're always busy it's hard to find the time!
2) Passing the essay I just handed in
3) Writing and passing this essay I'm doing at the moment
4) THE FINAL ACTUAL REAL SIGNING OFF
AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
So excited yet so scared, worried and still doubtful that I will do all this. I'll either fail an essay or be told I can't be signed off. I won't believe it til I have it on paper.
To add to it, there are...NO....jobs going. Well a couple in A&E of which I've applied for, but as a rule, with two hospitals merging right now, it's not the best time. Still, fingers crossed, something will happen.
But you know what, as for this ward I just love it, I can't imagine not being here, I don't know what I'll do when, in just TWO WEEKS, I don't have to get up early anymore to come to work, don't have to wonder about patients on days off, don't have to work my life around shifts...will seem so strange, and a strange I don't like!
Can't lie in that I'll appreciate having Christmas off for probably the last time ever! But, for this ward, I would actually be ok working Christmas Day, I'd love to see the kids faces in the morning.
Anyway, time for sleep I think, haven't been sleeping well, am worried about having no money after my last bursary in December, applied for all sorts of Christmas jobs to tide me over, but what I really want is a nurse job. A first real nurse job. It probably won't happen on this ward, but even though I love this ward so much, I am willing to work any ward, I JUST WANT TO BE A NURSE!!!
It makes me SO sad! I want to stay longer and work more. I still feel like I have SO much more to learn. I love the ward, the kids, the people, the MDT, I love it all. I want to stay here and never ever leave. I wish management placement was a year long. OK, that may be going too far, I couldn't survive another year on student wages, but I still feel like I have so much more to learn, experience and do and this ward is just the absolutely perfect place to do it. I want a job here! I LOVE IT!
Back to reality, there are only 4 things standing between me getting signed off as a 'proper' nurse...PROPER NURSE!
1) Getting competencies signed off, as I've had hardly any signed off this placement, no fault of anyone, just cos it's gone so quickly and we're always busy it's hard to find the time!
2) Passing the essay I just handed in
3) Writing and passing this essay I'm doing at the moment
4) THE FINAL ACTUAL REAL SIGNING OFF
AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
So excited yet so scared, worried and still doubtful that I will do all this. I'll either fail an essay or be told I can't be signed off. I won't believe it til I have it on paper.
To add to it, there are...NO....jobs going. Well a couple in A&E of which I've applied for, but as a rule, with two hospitals merging right now, it's not the best time. Still, fingers crossed, something will happen.
But you know what, as for this ward I just love it, I can't imagine not being here, I don't know what I'll do when, in just TWO WEEKS, I don't have to get up early anymore to come to work, don't have to wonder about patients on days off, don't have to work my life around shifts...will seem so strange, and a strange I don't like!
Can't lie in that I'll appreciate having Christmas off for probably the last time ever! But, for this ward, I would actually be ok working Christmas Day, I'd love to see the kids faces in the morning.
Anyway, time for sleep I think, haven't been sleeping well, am worried about having no money after my last bursary in December, applied for all sorts of Christmas jobs to tide me over, but what I really want is a nurse job. A first real nurse job. It probably won't happen on this ward, but even though I love this ward so much, I am willing to work any ward, I JUST WANT TO BE A NURSE!!!
Tuesday 19 October 2010
So much to say, so little time!
Hey! Ohhhh I feel like I have SO much to say but literally never get any free time in which to do it!
Ok so two major things I can talk about. My FIRST ever nursey interview and my FINAL tutors visit.
FIRST INTERVIEW...
Was ok, I was nervous as always, tried my very best, gave it all I had but still didn't get the job. I could say it was never *really* my job to have, or I could just say it was a nice first interview, of which I got experience from and will build upon, but either way I got some positive feedback and even if they just said nice things to make me feel better then that's ok. Just was really hard to go back to the ward the next day as a student knowing I'd been rejected...hmmm sound sad but when I found out I'd not go it, I resorted to a nice hot bath, some cheesy episodes of Glee and a good cry. That said, I was right as rain the following day (til the nursery nurse hugged me!) but I was ok and have been since. It's just made me realise that I LOVE the ward I'm at and so want a job here, but even if none now, I will keep applying til I get a job here.
My actual interview was good, they were so nice and I did all I could. I've applied for a couple of jobs since but, lets face it, I've fallen in love with this ward, I want to work here, I'll just have to keep trying.
Ok so second point, my tutor came for the last visit before I (if I) qualify and all I got was some good comments off my mentor which surprised me loads!
I feel now like I could actually be a nurse, I've pushed myself so far this placement, this whole course even. I've changed as a person and I've learnt so much about everything. The one thing missing is that I don't, as yet have a job, but hopefully soon that will change.
If I was going to pick one thing which I thought would be better, that would be the other girls on my course. I feel as though, apart from a couple, I've been so let down by them. I feel like I've always been there for them but am feeling pretty much alone when I'm not needed. Friendship is meant to be a two way thing.
Whatever, I don't care, I'm nearing the end of this journey of training to be a nurse and I am SO excited. I'm so happy I could literally burst. I have some essays to do, and whilst the tutors aren't being much help I'm feeling that I can still do it.
NOT LONG TO GO!!!
Ok so two major things I can talk about. My FIRST ever nursey interview and my FINAL tutors visit.
FIRST INTERVIEW...
Was ok, I was nervous as always, tried my very best, gave it all I had but still didn't get the job. I could say it was never *really* my job to have, or I could just say it was a nice first interview, of which I got experience from and will build upon, but either way I got some positive feedback and even if they just said nice things to make me feel better then that's ok. Just was really hard to go back to the ward the next day as a student knowing I'd been rejected...hmmm sound sad but when I found out I'd not go it, I resorted to a nice hot bath, some cheesy episodes of Glee and a good cry. That said, I was right as rain the following day (til the nursery nurse hugged me!) but I was ok and have been since. It's just made me realise that I LOVE the ward I'm at and so want a job here, but even if none now, I will keep applying til I get a job here.
My actual interview was good, they were so nice and I did all I could. I've applied for a couple of jobs since but, lets face it, I've fallen in love with this ward, I want to work here, I'll just have to keep trying.
Ok so second point, my tutor came for the last visit before I (if I) qualify and all I got was some good comments off my mentor which surprised me loads!
I feel now like I could actually be a nurse, I've pushed myself so far this placement, this whole course even. I've changed as a person and I've learnt so much about everything. The one thing missing is that I don't, as yet have a job, but hopefully soon that will change.
If I was going to pick one thing which I thought would be better, that would be the other girls on my course. I feel as though, apart from a couple, I've been so let down by them. I feel like I've always been there for them but am feeling pretty much alone when I'm not needed. Friendship is meant to be a two way thing.
Whatever, I don't care, I'm nearing the end of this journey of training to be a nurse and I am SO excited. I'm so happy I could literally burst. I have some essays to do, and whilst the tutors aren't being much help I'm feeling that I can still do it.
NOT LONG TO GO!!!
Tuesday 21 September 2010
Tuesday 14 September 2010
Assertiveness? Past Caring? Slight Confidence? Something Else? Not sure of this blog title...
So, like the title suggests, I'm not sure of what the title of this blog should be but I'm glad to write that I'm feeling better than I was last time I blogged, which is, good!
My last few weeks I've just stuck to concentrating on what I'm trying to do, and that is being the best nurse I can be. So far it seems to be paying off and I'm learning loads and I actually LOVE the ward I'm on. I think I'm slowly (but surely!) learning that even though I've probably said before it's not the nurses on the wards, but the patients that make the difference. Really, I'm learning that this is a lie and sometimes (or even most the time?) it's nothing about the patients, it's more to do with the nurses or other staff that is on that day, which makes a difference as to how your shift goes. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to see myself as part of the team? A bit? Or not?
If you're working with good nurses and other staff, those of which you're not afraid to ask advice or question things, then you generally have a nicer day. If you're working with staff which you feel you can't ask things for fear of their bad mood rubbing off and putting a negative atmosphere up for the rest of the day, then you go home feeling like crap. It's just a bit difficult when you're working with people of whom you can't predict their mood, til the moment you walk through the door, that's when it's difficult, and to be honest it makes me wonder how one person can have such an effect on a ward?
ANYWAY, enough about that, I'm just writing a little update as I have a weeks study leave (during which I have LOADS of work to do....BOOO!) but I just thought I'd get it down before I need to concentrate on essays and stuff.
I'm still really happy that I'm doing what I'm doing, I don't regret a second of it as life's too short for regrets, but sometimes I look back and wish I'd stuck up for myself and said more often to myself 'you know what, you're not as shit as you think you are' as that would really have helped. Guess I need to get a bit more confidence, easier said than done, ey?!
As for this placement, I've challenged myself even when I've not been as supported as I needed to be, and I'm actually glad, as it shows I can do things by myself and I can do them well. I'm learning even more to see my own limitations and I'm recognising the blurry edge between 'things I can do but don't have the confidence' and 'things I really can't do and if I don't get help when I ask from one person, ask and ask until someone will help'...if that makes sense?
Oh and before I finish this blog, I surprised myself when I did my management stint, I took control of a ward, allocated patients, pushed my communication skills further than I could and even if I was feeling negative about managing a ward before, I really can see that instead of feeling that I couldn't, I tried to see it as a learning experience and found that it actually made me appreciate the role a whole lot more. Whilst I still, at the moment, feel I don't want the responsibility of being a sister (fair enough from a student!) I can see a bit more why someone might want that challenge, just not right now when I'm not even a qualified nurse yet...!
Still, hoping I actually pass, but feeling a bit more 'fight' that if I do get failed, I really will not stand for it. Hard as it is to stay, I feel I am a good nurse, I don't know everything by a long shot and I have so much to learn, but I acknowledge this and plan to study so much more, when (if...) I qualify, but as it stands I think at my point in time, I'm actually doing okay, and I will challenge anyone that tells me otherwise.
That's not arrogance, just a little more self belief, which has taken 27 years to gain.
My last few weeks I've just stuck to concentrating on what I'm trying to do, and that is being the best nurse I can be. So far it seems to be paying off and I'm learning loads and I actually LOVE the ward I'm on. I think I'm slowly (but surely!) learning that even though I've probably said before it's not the nurses on the wards, but the patients that make the difference. Really, I'm learning that this is a lie and sometimes (or even most the time?) it's nothing about the patients, it's more to do with the nurses or other staff that is on that day, which makes a difference as to how your shift goes. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to see myself as part of the team? A bit? Or not?
If you're working with good nurses and other staff, those of which you're not afraid to ask advice or question things, then you generally have a nicer day. If you're working with staff which you feel you can't ask things for fear of their bad mood rubbing off and putting a negative atmosphere up for the rest of the day, then you go home feeling like crap. It's just a bit difficult when you're working with people of whom you can't predict their mood, til the moment you walk through the door, that's when it's difficult, and to be honest it makes me wonder how one person can have such an effect on a ward?
ANYWAY, enough about that, I'm just writing a little update as I have a weeks study leave (during which I have LOADS of work to do....BOOO!) but I just thought I'd get it down before I need to concentrate on essays and stuff.
I'm still really happy that I'm doing what I'm doing, I don't regret a second of it as life's too short for regrets, but sometimes I look back and wish I'd stuck up for myself and said more often to myself 'you know what, you're not as shit as you think you are' as that would really have helped. Guess I need to get a bit more confidence, easier said than done, ey?!
As for this placement, I've challenged myself even when I've not been as supported as I needed to be, and I'm actually glad, as it shows I can do things by myself and I can do them well. I'm learning even more to see my own limitations and I'm recognising the blurry edge between 'things I can do but don't have the confidence' and 'things I really can't do and if I don't get help when I ask from one person, ask and ask until someone will help'...if that makes sense?
Oh and before I finish this blog, I surprised myself when I did my management stint, I took control of a ward, allocated patients, pushed my communication skills further than I could and even if I was feeling negative about managing a ward before, I really can see that instead of feeling that I couldn't, I tried to see it as a learning experience and found that it actually made me appreciate the role a whole lot more. Whilst I still, at the moment, feel I don't want the responsibility of being a sister (fair enough from a student!) I can see a bit more why someone might want that challenge, just not right now when I'm not even a qualified nurse yet...!
Still, hoping I actually pass, but feeling a bit more 'fight' that if I do get failed, I really will not stand for it. Hard as it is to stay, I feel I am a good nurse, I don't know everything by a long shot and I have so much to learn, but I acknowledge this and plan to study so much more, when (if...) I qualify, but as it stands I think at my point in time, I'm actually doing okay, and I will challenge anyone that tells me otherwise.
That's not arrogance, just a little more self belief, which has taken 27 years to gain.
Tuesday 24 August 2010
Big Kick In The Teeth
I've just looked at my last blog post and I sounded so happy. Strange how time can change things, when it's only been...weeks?
OK start from the beginning I guess...and this is going to be a LONG blog I think.
Right so as of last blog I was all happy and excited and smiley and loving it. Well...things have changed a bit since then. First off my tutor came to visit and whilst I thought I was going ok, even actually maybe...well? Turns out I'm not and I'm so so so upset about it.
I think the main reason I'm upset it because I don't think the things my mentor said were completely fair. In my Uni we get given a 'traffic light system' GREEN if you're doing ok, AMBER if you need to be given an action plan and contact the practice placements facilitator and a RED if you're majorly failing. I've always managed a green but this time I was nearly given an amber, which I was surprised about as I'd already discussed things. There were 2 reasons for it almost being an amber, 1) I'm too quiet 2) Time Management. First off to forget number 2, I'm always in early, I don't skive, always keep myself busy and offer to do tasks for other nurses when (if!) I find myself going through a quiet half hour on the ward. So I really don't agree with that at all. Whilst I was first upset with it, I'm actually more annoyed with it, due to my mentors 'time management' themself...
Anyway, number 1, ok I can see that I do sometimes need to be more assertive, but to be fair we were talking about 'delegating tasks' to other members of the nursing teams, including sisters, staff nurses and HCA's...I can understand whole heartedly if I was doing this on my 'management' days which I've booked in, but other than that am I really expected to tell others what to do as a STUDENT NURSE?! I mean really. Words fail me. I'm not a noisy bossy person to start with, and you know what, I'm not willing to change for anyone. If I get failed for being 'too quiet' then I will fail knowing that I have been true to myself. Whilst I hope so much I'm not failed, I can't change my personality and ME to get some competencies signed off. That shouldn't be what this placement is about and I feel like I'm going to have this hanging over me til Christmas when I finish and this makes me feel so bad.
I think, if I can speak frankly about things, the stupid little ridiculous things like this are making me fall out of love with nursing. They really are and it makes me so sad. I find myself thinking that a 9-5 job in an office/shop/whatever would be so much better. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not cut out for it. Maybe I'm just not good enough?
OK start from the beginning I guess...and this is going to be a LONG blog I think.
Right so as of last blog I was all happy and excited and smiley and loving it. Well...things have changed a bit since then. First off my tutor came to visit and whilst I thought I was going ok, even actually maybe...well? Turns out I'm not and I'm so so so upset about it.
I think the main reason I'm upset it because I don't think the things my mentor said were completely fair. In my Uni we get given a 'traffic light system' GREEN if you're doing ok, AMBER if you need to be given an action plan and contact the practice placements facilitator and a RED if you're majorly failing. I've always managed a green but this time I was nearly given an amber, which I was surprised about as I'd already discussed things. There were 2 reasons for it almost being an amber, 1) I'm too quiet 2) Time Management. First off to forget number 2, I'm always in early, I don't skive, always keep myself busy and offer to do tasks for other nurses when (if!) I find myself going through a quiet half hour on the ward. So I really don't agree with that at all. Whilst I was first upset with it, I'm actually more annoyed with it, due to my mentors 'time management' themself...
Anyway, number 1, ok I can see that I do sometimes need to be more assertive, but to be fair we were talking about 'delegating tasks' to other members of the nursing teams, including sisters, staff nurses and HCA's...I can understand whole heartedly if I was doing this on my 'management' days which I've booked in, but other than that am I really expected to tell others what to do as a STUDENT NURSE?! I mean really. Words fail me. I'm not a noisy bossy person to start with, and you know what, I'm not willing to change for anyone. If I get failed for being 'too quiet' then I will fail knowing that I have been true to myself. Whilst I hope so much I'm not failed, I can't change my personality and ME to get some competencies signed off. That shouldn't be what this placement is about and I feel like I'm going to have this hanging over me til Christmas when I finish and this makes me feel so bad.
I think, if I can speak frankly about things, the stupid little ridiculous things like this are making me fall out of love with nursing. They really are and it makes me so sad. I find myself thinking that a 9-5 job in an office/shop/whatever would be so much better. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not cut out for it. Maybe I'm just not good enough?
Wednesday 11 August 2010
So far, so good
Ok, so pretty much 4 weeks into my management placement and so far I can honestly say I'M LOVING IT!!!
It's such a nice ward, everyone is lovely, which is half the battle (trust me!) but I really really love it. I'm learning SO much! I've been given my own patients since about the second week, which I thought would scare me so much, but I've been given the 'nice' (as in easy) patients so far, which I think is my wards way of breaking me in a bit, they're being so nice and it's making me feel like I 'can' do it.
My main fear is drugs, I'm so scared of giving an overdose or not noticing when a doctor has prescribed too much...would I notice? Right at this present moment, to be brutally honest, I don't think I would. I need to have doses for the main drugs imprinted in my brain, maybe at the moment I rely too much on other nurses - I'm hoping I will learn more towards the end of this placement. I mean I can always use the BNF but maybe I should get into the habit of using it to check everytime? Just an idea? As of now I've drawn up the drugs and got two nurses to check before I give it, and whilst I've made NO mistakes, I really do support the 'second checker' rule in paediatrics, cos as a student paeds nurse, you're (unofficially) the first checker, then the other two nurses are checking too so you're kind of protected, in that, the dose has been checked by 3 people.
Apart from that, I really have, for the first time ever, let myself believe that I CAN do this. All though my course and placements so far, I've not allowed myself to think I'm good enough to do it, but this time, I really think I could actually pass and become a nurse. This is my DREAM. To be this close to a dream I've wanted for so long, I am so excited. I know I don't always show it, don't always let the others around me see how happy I'm feeling, I'm able to control my emotions so tightly but I'm gradually learning that it's ok to let people in and that in doing so I can be an even better nurse.
Basically, what can I say? I AM SO HAPPY DOING WHAT I'M DOING! I love it so much. I feel so grateful for being given this chance and I am so proud to be a 'nurse'...or will be officially in a few months. I don't care about the stressful times, I don't care about the working hours, even the responsibility doesn't faze me anymore, I just LOVE what I'm doing and feel so happy to be doing it.
It's the small things, the other day I was feeding a kid who was not feeding too good, and though I got a screaming hissy fit as I carried them to the dining table, and a major tantrum when I put the meal down in front of them...after half an hour of letting the child 'play' (MESSY!) with the food, they grabbed some in their hand and put it in their mouth and ate it...seven times! Doesn't seem like a big deal BUT they ate when they hadn't even tried before. I was so happy! I know I had nothing to do with it but I just felt so happy to have been there.
Anyway I should go, as high as I am with placement and loving it, I need to do some studying, I have to do a lit review and some other report/essay/assignment before the end of this placement and I have no idea when I will get the time...
It's such a nice ward, everyone is lovely, which is half the battle (trust me!) but I really really love it. I'm learning SO much! I've been given my own patients since about the second week, which I thought would scare me so much, but I've been given the 'nice' (as in easy) patients so far, which I think is my wards way of breaking me in a bit, they're being so nice and it's making me feel like I 'can' do it.
My main fear is drugs, I'm so scared of giving an overdose or not noticing when a doctor has prescribed too much...would I notice? Right at this present moment, to be brutally honest, I don't think I would. I need to have doses for the main drugs imprinted in my brain, maybe at the moment I rely too much on other nurses - I'm hoping I will learn more towards the end of this placement. I mean I can always use the BNF but maybe I should get into the habit of using it to check everytime? Just an idea? As of now I've drawn up the drugs and got two nurses to check before I give it, and whilst I've made NO mistakes, I really do support the 'second checker' rule in paediatrics, cos as a student paeds nurse, you're (unofficially) the first checker, then the other two nurses are checking too so you're kind of protected, in that, the dose has been checked by 3 people.
Apart from that, I really have, for the first time ever, let myself believe that I CAN do this. All though my course and placements so far, I've not allowed myself to think I'm good enough to do it, but this time, I really think I could actually pass and become a nurse. This is my DREAM. To be this close to a dream I've wanted for so long, I am so excited. I know I don't always show it, don't always let the others around me see how happy I'm feeling, I'm able to control my emotions so tightly but I'm gradually learning that it's ok to let people in and that in doing so I can be an even better nurse.
Basically, what can I say? I AM SO HAPPY DOING WHAT I'M DOING! I love it so much. I feel so grateful for being given this chance and I am so proud to be a 'nurse'...or will be officially in a few months. I don't care about the stressful times, I don't care about the working hours, even the responsibility doesn't faze me anymore, I just LOVE what I'm doing and feel so happy to be doing it.
It's the small things, the other day I was feeding a kid who was not feeding too good, and though I got a screaming hissy fit as I carried them to the dining table, and a major tantrum when I put the meal down in front of them...after half an hour of letting the child 'play' (MESSY!) with the food, they grabbed some in their hand and put it in their mouth and ate it...seven times! Doesn't seem like a big deal BUT they ate when they hadn't even tried before. I was so happy! I know I had nothing to do with it but I just felt so happy to have been there.
Anyway I should go, as high as I am with placement and loving it, I need to do some studying, I have to do a lit review and some other report/essay/assignment before the end of this placement and I have no idea when I will get the time...
Thursday 15 July 2010
Time For The Big One...!
Firstly, two things. One I've finished all my uni lectures. We have one week at the end of December which we need to go in for, but it's kinda like a bit of a conference thing I believe. No more teaching lectures. How quick has that gone?! Second, I start my management placement next week...AAAHHHH!!!!! I. Am. Scared. I really don't know where the time has gone and I feel really mixed up about it all. Let me explain. Sometimes I'm feeling so ridiculously happy, just this long placement then I will get to be a real nurse, doing something I absolutely adore AND hopefully will find someone daft enough to give me a job. Sometimes though I feel absolutely terrified, like this is it. I feel nowhere near enough ready, I don't feel prepared. We have to get one competency signed off where you need to manage the ward for a day. Come on, me...manage? I really can't see that happening and I'm already stressing myself out over it. I mean we've had this really big module about leadership and management and I'm really not ashamed to admit that I'm not a leader, sheep all the way! Hmmmm maybe in a couple of years I might feel differently, but at the moment, that's how I feel and I really can't see myself managing a ward, however I'll do like I always do, give it my all and try my best and see how things go.
Today I visited my ward that I'll be doing my final placement on and the people seem lovely, but it seemed really quiet so (not that I want kids to get ill!) but I hope it does get a bit busier. I was wondering the other day if I'd done the right thing by taking a risk and choosing to go to a ward I haven't been on, I could have taken a much safer option on gone somewhere I'd already been but I just wanted to experience as many different types of ward as I could, so I bit the bullet and put done places I'd not done a placement on.
What else? Ohhh the only other thing sepearating me from qualifying is two assignments. One is a literature review which is due in first, and the other is a research proposal (I think...!). I have NO idea how to do a lit review, so I've got some books out and since my first shift isn't til half way through next week, it gives me some time to read about it all and hopefully make a start. It's not due in for aaaaages but I don't want to leave it til the last minute and mstress myself out even more!
Anyhoo I really should get myself organised. Was in Uni today and did simulation with fake baby (of wich I was terrible at, I swear I'm getting even worse!) then of course meeting my new ward straight after Uni, but I really need to sort out so many things, I'm determined to start this placement with a bit of knowledge in the area so wish me luck!
Today I visited my ward that I'll be doing my final placement on and the people seem lovely, but it seemed really quiet so (not that I want kids to get ill!) but I hope it does get a bit busier. I was wondering the other day if I'd done the right thing by taking a risk and choosing to go to a ward I haven't been on, I could have taken a much safer option on gone somewhere I'd already been but I just wanted to experience as many different types of ward as I could, so I bit the bullet and put done places I'd not done a placement on.
What else? Ohhh the only other thing sepearating me from qualifying is two assignments. One is a literature review which is due in first, and the other is a research proposal (I think...!). I have NO idea how to do a lit review, so I've got some books out and since my first shift isn't til half way through next week, it gives me some time to read about it all and hopefully make a start. It's not due in for aaaaages but I don't want to leave it til the last minute and mstress myself out even more!
Anyhoo I really should get myself organised. Was in Uni today and did simulation with fake baby (of wich I was terrible at, I swear I'm getting even worse!) then of course meeting my new ward straight after Uni, but I really need to sort out so many things, I'm determined to start this placement with a bit of knowledge in the area so wish me luck!
Friday 11 June 2010
Over The Moon BUT...Shhhh!
Today I went and got that dreaded assignment mark.
I PASSED!!!!
So relieved. Like unbelievably relieved as I was convinced I'd fail.
Not only that, but I actually did ok. Doesn't seem much but I didn't come bottom of the class, quite the opposite. Makes a massive change. Maybe I could be a nurse.
I went today, well was actually going into Uni early but due to my misbehaving car, ended up going in afternoon, and was glad cos I didn't think anyone would be around, so I could pick up my fail and not have to face the embarassement of crying in front on anyone.
Got there, saw someone off my course who'd picked up her results and passed really well, so I went to get mine while she was in the cafe, and when I got them, it was a pretty ok mark and I couldn't speak, shaking and about to cry from relief so all I could do was show her my bit of paper with my mark on, and whilst I know I should be, completely over the moon, all I could do was worry about another girl in our class.
I felt like doing a little dance of celebration that I acutally passed BUT I was worried about the girl in our class AND I am SO sure they have my marks mixed up. I mean there is no other explanation at all. After the initial excitement of doing ok, I've been thinking and I can't have done that well, not at all despite how hard I worked. So I'm just hoping nobody decides to remark and find out my assignment was shit! Fingers crossed!
I PASSED!!!!
So relieved. Like unbelievably relieved as I was convinced I'd fail.
Not only that, but I actually did ok. Doesn't seem much but I didn't come bottom of the class, quite the opposite. Makes a massive change. Maybe I could be a nurse.
I went today, well was actually going into Uni early but due to my misbehaving car, ended up going in afternoon, and was glad cos I didn't think anyone would be around, so I could pick up my fail and not have to face the embarassement of crying in front on anyone.
Got there, saw someone off my course who'd picked up her results and passed really well, so I went to get mine while she was in the cafe, and when I got them, it was a pretty ok mark and I couldn't speak, shaking and about to cry from relief so all I could do was show her my bit of paper with my mark on, and whilst I know I should be, completely over the moon, all I could do was worry about another girl in our class.
I felt like doing a little dance of celebration that I acutally passed BUT I was worried about the girl in our class AND I am SO sure they have my marks mixed up. I mean there is no other explanation at all. After the initial excitement of doing ok, I've been thinking and I can't have done that well, not at all despite how hard I worked. So I'm just hoping nobody decides to remark and find out my assignment was shit! Fingers crossed!
Tuesday 1 June 2010
It's Been A While
So today I planned on writing an update but then I got so busy with stuff, it's only now I'm sitting down, with a nice glass of wine and writing it! Oh well, better late than never I guess...?
Righto what have I been upto? If I'm honest I've been a bit down the past couple of weeks, after the last placement and going back to Uni, I feel like I haven't been myself. Been doubting everything I do and confidence is at an all time low. BUT I'm still here and I'm still trying my best! Just sometimes you know when you feel like you're trying your best, but are actually still absolute crap? We've had to do a few simulation things with sim baby, of which I was shockingly bad, I mean even for me I was crap. We were given a dvd of our performance, and I literally could not find one single thing positive, which in turn made me feel even worse, but I'm trying to seperate these things in that looking after a pretend baby whilst being filmed and actually being on the ward with real kids are a world of difference away, and so being totally crap at one (the sim baby!) doesn't mean I'm rubbish at the other (the real life situations) which I think is an improvement on how I usually reflect on myself as usually I'd be thinking 'I'm so crap at sim baby I AM CRAP AT EVERYTHING!' so it doesn't seem much, but it is for me.
What else? OMG YES I GOT MY FIRST CHOICE FOR MANAGEMENT PLACEMENT! I am SO ridiculously and pathetically excited! There was a time when I'd just done night shift and so when the phone rang at 10am ish I was in bed, and the placement dude rang to say I'd not got any of my choices, which obviously gutted me and made me worry, but then I logged on to evaluate my last placement and therefore find out my management one, and I got first choice! I don't cry much but those tears were relief! I can't wait to get stuck in, I'm worried about having to do some kind of 'leadership' competencies, as I'm really no good at telling people to do stuff...help!
Ooooh and something else exciting, I applied for my first proper nursing job today! Well, to be fair I fully expect not to hear from them. It's for a job in an area that I'd really enjoy I think, but as my tutor said, applying early will give you the chance to experience interviews and that, so it's no bad thing, especially as the job can be held for you until you qualifiy (I think upto 9 months?) but I am not hopeful in hearing anything, as I find it SO hard to try and sell myself in any way, I mean, I'm so rubbish, how can I lie to people who want a good nurse to work for them?! I tried to think of good things, but like I say, really not expecting to hear anything back. The closing date was today so I kind of left it to last minute, which is not good BUT I thought the closing date was yesterday and when I realised the date today I was really gutted that I'd not even applied and so not given myself ANY chance of an interview, but when I realised the closing date was today I felt really happy that I still had a chance, so I added the final touches to my supporting info bit and sent it off, as I'd filled in all the other parts of the application form weeks ago...embarassing that I'm so keen!
Actually, the NHS application system is pretty good, once you register all your details are automatically saved so all you need to do is tailor you supporting info section and hey presto, application made!
Ohhh thinking about the last few weeks, I think it's just as well that I didn't make a post as at one point I was majorly stressed with an essay hanging over me! I might have said things I didn't mean. This is pretty boring but we got given an assignement and assigned a tutor on this assignment, everyone in the group got one of the two tutors who we'd worked with this year, me and this other girl got a tutor we didn't know as well. However, we had a tutorial and she seemed really enthusiastic and helpful, saying we could email her bits of our essay and she'd read it and give tips or suggestions to improve it. Now it wasn't an easy essay, I thought it was just me but after speaking to everyone at the time we were all struggling, so as it was 3 weeks til hand in I thought I'd email the tutor it to see what she thought...no joke, she finally got back the Thursday before the Monday's due in and all she said was it read through ok. I emailed her a few times and even left a voicemail but that was the all feedback I recieved. I know I should be thankful she got back to me as the other girl didn't even get a reply...but it wasn't very helpful, especially when the other girls on my course got really detailed feedback, but still I'm glad for them. I handed it in and it's probably complete shite, but it's in and as long as I get a pass I don't care, which is wrong as I was all geared up to actually do 'well' which is hard for me to believe that I could do ok, but all that fake 'semi-confidence' was shattered due to what happened. Oh whatever, as long as I pass the stupid thing. Like I'm sure I've said before it doesn't take a decent essay writer to make an amazing nurse, but just this once I wanted to prove to myself I could do 'well'.
I think this might be a bit of a long blog! It's been a while, and I know it's totally boring. It might have been ultra depressing but I don't feel that I am, at the moment if I could pick 3 words to describe how I felt it'd be excited, inspired and scared...bit of a mix but mainly positive! Excited that I'm almost finished and will be (hopefully) a NURSE, my absolute dream! Inspired as I have so much to look forward to in my career and I want to do everything and enjoy every second. Scared cos I have to find the confidence from somewhere to be a good nurse, whether I just set myself stupidly high standards (and fail to meet them!) or just because I want to be the best I can (and am not!) I don't know but I find myself feeling scared, which is the brutal honest truth...can I really do this? Actually can I add a fourth word to describe how I'm feeling? Lucky that I get the chance to do something I LOVE so much. I may complain and I may have bad days but I wouldn't change it for the world. And with that I think I'd better go! Night!
ACTUALLY...just before I do go, us girls on my course are having a long weekend away and after totally stressing about the cost and generally feeling a bit down I've thought screw it and am now SO much looking forward to it! I really love the lasses on my course and it's going to be the best holiday ever, I can't wait! Not long to go! SO EXCITED! Literally haven't been on holiday for 10 years, not even in the UK, so we're going somewhere I've always wanted to visit (Lake District...kinda) but I am so excited! Can't wait as these girls are amazing and I am so proud that I can call each and every one of them a friend. Yay!
Righto what have I been upto? If I'm honest I've been a bit down the past couple of weeks, after the last placement and going back to Uni, I feel like I haven't been myself. Been doubting everything I do and confidence is at an all time low. BUT I'm still here and I'm still trying my best! Just sometimes you know when you feel like you're trying your best, but are actually still absolute crap? We've had to do a few simulation things with sim baby, of which I was shockingly bad, I mean even for me I was crap. We were given a dvd of our performance, and I literally could not find one single thing positive, which in turn made me feel even worse, but I'm trying to seperate these things in that looking after a pretend baby whilst being filmed and actually being on the ward with real kids are a world of difference away, and so being totally crap at one (the sim baby!) doesn't mean I'm rubbish at the other (the real life situations) which I think is an improvement on how I usually reflect on myself as usually I'd be thinking 'I'm so crap at sim baby I AM CRAP AT EVERYTHING!' so it doesn't seem much, but it is for me.
What else? OMG YES I GOT MY FIRST CHOICE FOR MANAGEMENT PLACEMENT! I am SO ridiculously and pathetically excited! There was a time when I'd just done night shift and so when the phone rang at 10am ish I was in bed, and the placement dude rang to say I'd not got any of my choices, which obviously gutted me and made me worry, but then I logged on to evaluate my last placement and therefore find out my management one, and I got first choice! I don't cry much but those tears were relief! I can't wait to get stuck in, I'm worried about having to do some kind of 'leadership' competencies, as I'm really no good at telling people to do stuff...help!
Ooooh and something else exciting, I applied for my first proper nursing job today! Well, to be fair I fully expect not to hear from them. It's for a job in an area that I'd really enjoy I think, but as my tutor said, applying early will give you the chance to experience interviews and that, so it's no bad thing, especially as the job can be held for you until you qualifiy (I think upto 9 months?) but I am not hopeful in hearing anything, as I find it SO hard to try and sell myself in any way, I mean, I'm so rubbish, how can I lie to people who want a good nurse to work for them?! I tried to think of good things, but like I say, really not expecting to hear anything back. The closing date was today so I kind of left it to last minute, which is not good BUT I thought the closing date was yesterday and when I realised the date today I was really gutted that I'd not even applied and so not given myself ANY chance of an interview, but when I realised the closing date was today I felt really happy that I still had a chance, so I added the final touches to my supporting info bit and sent it off, as I'd filled in all the other parts of the application form weeks ago...embarassing that I'm so keen!
Actually, the NHS application system is pretty good, once you register all your details are automatically saved so all you need to do is tailor you supporting info section and hey presto, application made!
Ohhh thinking about the last few weeks, I think it's just as well that I didn't make a post as at one point I was majorly stressed with an essay hanging over me! I might have said things I didn't mean. This is pretty boring but we got given an assignement and assigned a tutor on this assignment, everyone in the group got one of the two tutors who we'd worked with this year, me and this other girl got a tutor we didn't know as well. However, we had a tutorial and she seemed really enthusiastic and helpful, saying we could email her bits of our essay and she'd read it and give tips or suggestions to improve it. Now it wasn't an easy essay, I thought it was just me but after speaking to everyone at the time we were all struggling, so as it was 3 weeks til hand in I thought I'd email the tutor it to see what she thought...no joke, she finally got back the Thursday before the Monday's due in and all she said was it read through ok. I emailed her a few times and even left a voicemail but that was the all feedback I recieved. I know I should be thankful she got back to me as the other girl didn't even get a reply...but it wasn't very helpful, especially when the other girls on my course got really detailed feedback, but still I'm glad for them. I handed it in and it's probably complete shite, but it's in and as long as I get a pass I don't care, which is wrong as I was all geared up to actually do 'well' which is hard for me to believe that I could do ok, but all that fake 'semi-confidence' was shattered due to what happened. Oh whatever, as long as I pass the stupid thing. Like I'm sure I've said before it doesn't take a decent essay writer to make an amazing nurse, but just this once I wanted to prove to myself I could do 'well'.
I think this might be a bit of a long blog! It's been a while, and I know it's totally boring. It might have been ultra depressing but I don't feel that I am, at the moment if I could pick 3 words to describe how I felt it'd be excited, inspired and scared...bit of a mix but mainly positive! Excited that I'm almost finished and will be (hopefully) a NURSE, my absolute dream! Inspired as I have so much to look forward to in my career and I want to do everything and enjoy every second. Scared cos I have to find the confidence from somewhere to be a good nurse, whether I just set myself stupidly high standards (and fail to meet them!) or just because I want to be the best I can (and am not!) I don't know but I find myself feeling scared, which is the brutal honest truth...can I really do this? Actually can I add a fourth word to describe how I'm feeling? Lucky that I get the chance to do something I LOVE so much. I may complain and I may have bad days but I wouldn't change it for the world. And with that I think I'd better go! Night!
ACTUALLY...just before I do go, us girls on my course are having a long weekend away and after totally stressing about the cost and generally feeling a bit down I've thought screw it and am now SO much looking forward to it! I really love the lasses on my course and it's going to be the best holiday ever, I can't wait! Not long to go! SO EXCITED! Literally haven't been on holiday for 10 years, not even in the UK, so we're going somewhere I've always wanted to visit (Lake District...kinda) but I am so excited! Can't wait as these girls are amazing and I am so proud that I can call each and every one of them a friend. Yay!
Saturday 24 April 2010
As Gordon Ramsay would say...DONE
FINALLY finished that placement.
I have never been so relieved. This placement has caused me to doubt myself more than I ever thought was possible. I got so little support and lost all my confidence on so many occasions. I am glad to get out of there.
It's just a complete shame, if the atmosphere was less bitchy, more supportive, less judgemental and just, basically, TOTALLY different, taking away all those bits, it would be a nice ward to work on.
The good parts are working one to one with patients. Getting to know them, their families, their situations...sometimes completely heartbreaking, sometimes heartwarming. I liked how the 'regular' or 'long term' families, had their own little communities, and genuinely cared and helped eachother out. It was really nice to see friendships build between the parents.
Bad points would take forever to list but not one of them was about the children and families. It's all about the staff. I mean, I can understand stressed parents, taking their frustration out on staff, and when that happened I dealt with it better than I thought. But it's when the staff are the way they were, I lose all faith. Doesn't help when I know someone who works there.
Also, mentor dropped the bombshell today as I forced them so sign my book (forced as in they'd done nothing all placement), they've not taken their mentorship update...d'ya know I don't need this. If I find out nothing I've done counts, I will not know what to do.
Screw it, I'll worry later.
For now I am just happy to be away and done with that placement. I will sleep SO well tonight.
I have never been so relieved. This placement has caused me to doubt myself more than I ever thought was possible. I got so little support and lost all my confidence on so many occasions. I am glad to get out of there.
It's just a complete shame, if the atmosphere was less bitchy, more supportive, less judgemental and just, basically, TOTALLY different, taking away all those bits, it would be a nice ward to work on.
The good parts are working one to one with patients. Getting to know them, their families, their situations...sometimes completely heartbreaking, sometimes heartwarming. I liked how the 'regular' or 'long term' families, had their own little communities, and genuinely cared and helped eachother out. It was really nice to see friendships build between the parents.
Bad points would take forever to list but not one of them was about the children and families. It's all about the staff. I mean, I can understand stressed parents, taking their frustration out on staff, and when that happened I dealt with it better than I thought. But it's when the staff are the way they were, I lose all faith. Doesn't help when I know someone who works there.
Also, mentor dropped the bombshell today as I forced them so sign my book (forced as in they'd done nothing all placement), they've not taken their mentorship update...d'ya know I don't need this. If I find out nothing I've done counts, I will not know what to do.
Screw it, I'll worry later.
For now I am just happy to be away and done with that placement. I will sleep SO well tonight.
Sunday 11 April 2010
Hurry Up 2 Weeks
I really really want the next two weeks to fly by! Can't wait for this placement to be over. I don't hate it as such, but it's so not me. I hit a wall a week or so ago, simply could not face going in, and that's the first time I've called in sick and I thought I'd feel guilty about it but all I felt was relief. Thing is, it was so easy that I really don't want to get into that kind of habit (!) and I felt exactly the same yesterday, but dragged myself in, even if I was having a little cry whilst I was driving there (pathetic I know!)
BUT TWO WEEKS! Come on, I can do that, surely?!
In other news I was told that I hadn't got any of my three choices for management :o( Totally and completely gutted as I was using the idea of getting my first choice as a way to keep on at this placement, now I'm feeling a bit helpless. Still, just not going to think about it, will think about it later!
Ooooh and it's so sunny outside! :o)
BUT TWO WEEKS! Come on, I can do that, surely?!
In other news I was told that I hadn't got any of my three choices for management :o( Totally and completely gutted as I was using the idea of getting my first choice as a way to keep on at this placement, now I'm feeling a bit helpless. Still, just not going to think about it, will think about it later!
Ooooh and it's so sunny outside! :o)
Tuesday 30 March 2010
A Good Day!
I had a good day today!
I can't believe how much ONE good day can make up for a load of rubbish days. The only reason it was good was because I was working with a lovely lovely nurse and wasn't afraid to ask stupid questions to her, so it was just great and I learnt loads! Really really good day, one of them where it makes you realise why you want to do this job.
Also, was thinking, IF I actually do manage to qualify, find someone stupid enough to employ me, work enough to do mentorship training, pass that, then am actually some day a mentor...I've learnt a lot about what makes a good mentor and what makes a bad mentor...
I can't believe how much ONE good day can make up for a load of rubbish days. The only reason it was good was because I was working with a lovely lovely nurse and wasn't afraid to ask stupid questions to her, so it was just great and I learnt loads! Really really good day, one of them where it makes you realise why you want to do this job.
Also, was thinking, IF I actually do manage to qualify, find someone stupid enough to employ me, work enough to do mentorship training, pass that, then am actually some day a mentor...I've learnt a lot about what makes a good mentor and what makes a bad mentor...
Friday 19 March 2010
5 Weeks To Go...
That's only 15 shifts isn't it?
Then why is it dragging SO much? And why does it make me doubt it all? I had my tutor come on her visit on Monday, which was fine, my mentor was lovely and said I was doing ok, which is good I guess? But I so don't feel like I am, I feel way out of my depth. I feel like I shouldn't be doing this. I feel like I'm too stupid to be a nurse and more than that I feel like in my training it's too early to work in intensive care.
I've been thinking a lot about it all and am still really considering everything before I make an important decision about whether to leave or not. I don't know if it's just me, or other student nurses feel this, but, the only thing about placement is that you're so new and fresh and enthusiastic that you want to do well and will go on a shift with the intentions of being the best nurse that you can be. Thing is, or so I've found on this placement, you lose all your eagerness within about an hour and just mooch along like everyone else til it's home time, and I really HATE that. So it's very easy to come away feeling like you've just done nothing. It doedsn't help when someone on your course knows everyone on the ward, so you end up feeling like you'll let them down if you have a shit day. Extra pressure is not good. And if I'm totally honest I'm feeling like I'm cutting myself away from the people on my course, cos somehow I feel like I'm going to be leaving or failing anyway, so why not just distance myself now? This all feels horrible and keeps my awake at night trust me. We're all meant to be going on a holiday, and I've paid my bit, but to be honest I'm thinking of not going and just letting them have fun. They can keep the money, I just think they'll have more fun without me.
Talking of nights. I feel completely ok doing nights. I don't have a sleep during breaks on the ward (mainly due to my sleepwalking...which is becoming a regular occurance) but I really am ok with the whole no sleeping thing. Maybe when this all doesn't work out I'll get a job as a security guard or something, so I won't care about staying up all night?
Sorry for depressing blog, just, finding it all a bit much at the moment and don't know where to write it all down.
For an extra note before I go, I feel like I've been such a horrible person this last week or two. I've been so snappy with the people I love and I've taken out my frustration on them, and they don't deserve it. I feel this is an extra reason to quit the whole nursing thing. Take tonight for example, my Mam asked me something about facebook and whilst I'm dead proud that she's on facebook and that, I was so tired and stressed, I snapped and had a go at her, and she really didn't deserve it, I feel crap and deservedly so. Is nursing worth it? I don't think it is.
Then why is it dragging SO much? And why does it make me doubt it all? I had my tutor come on her visit on Monday, which was fine, my mentor was lovely and said I was doing ok, which is good I guess? But I so don't feel like I am, I feel way out of my depth. I feel like I shouldn't be doing this. I feel like I'm too stupid to be a nurse and more than that I feel like in my training it's too early to work in intensive care.
I've been thinking a lot about it all and am still really considering everything before I make an important decision about whether to leave or not. I don't know if it's just me, or other student nurses feel this, but, the only thing about placement is that you're so new and fresh and enthusiastic that you want to do well and will go on a shift with the intentions of being the best nurse that you can be. Thing is, or so I've found on this placement, you lose all your eagerness within about an hour and just mooch along like everyone else til it's home time, and I really HATE that. So it's very easy to come away feeling like you've just done nothing. It doedsn't help when someone on your course knows everyone on the ward, so you end up feeling like you'll let them down if you have a shit day. Extra pressure is not good. And if I'm totally honest I'm feeling like I'm cutting myself away from the people on my course, cos somehow I feel like I'm going to be leaving or failing anyway, so why not just distance myself now? This all feels horrible and keeps my awake at night trust me. We're all meant to be going on a holiday, and I've paid my bit, but to be honest I'm thinking of not going and just letting them have fun. They can keep the money, I just think they'll have more fun without me.
Talking of nights. I feel completely ok doing nights. I don't have a sleep during breaks on the ward (mainly due to my sleepwalking...which is becoming a regular occurance) but I really am ok with the whole no sleeping thing. Maybe when this all doesn't work out I'll get a job as a security guard or something, so I won't care about staying up all night?
Sorry for depressing blog, just, finding it all a bit much at the moment and don't know where to write it all down.
For an extra note before I go, I feel like I've been such a horrible person this last week or two. I've been so snappy with the people I love and I've taken out my frustration on them, and they don't deserve it. I feel this is an extra reason to quit the whole nursing thing. Take tonight for example, my Mam asked me something about facebook and whilst I'm dead proud that she's on facebook and that, I was so tired and stressed, I snapped and had a go at her, and she really didn't deserve it, I feel crap and deservedly so. Is nursing worth it? I don't think it is.
Monday 8 March 2010
Maybe Time For An Update?
I guess it was about time for an update? I think I need to get these thoughts and feelings down, even if I am so tired. Apologies in advance (for anyone who reads this blog, which I think is...nobody!)
OK so placement. I've done my first week. Survived (just). I've kind of learnt stuff, but maybe not nursing stuff, more stuff about intensive care nurses I guess. And I think the most important part I've learnt is that I don't think I'd ever want to be an ICU nurse. Not unless I had a mortgage and that was the only job available...so I won't rule it out (!) but would rule out job satisfaction.
Don't get me wrong, they are lovely people. Friendly, funny, sweet, lovely people. But, if I'm allowed to say, they remind me of theatre staff a little - as in they see the patient as a 'body' and they need to do things to make the 'body' better. I think in ICU it's difficult to see the patient as a person. Today a nurse was doing handover and went in to all sorts of detail about the physical aspects of the conditions, but after she gave her speech, the person taking over asked 'Ok, and what was X like?' to which the nurse had nothing to say. Similar to when a patient is being worked on and their relative is in tears watching, yes, I know they might not have time in an emergency situation, but when it's just routine things, I think they should be explained. Instead I saw how upset they were and asked how they were, yeah, I got a lot of feelings and questions from them, some of which I, as a student, couldn't answer but explained who it was best for them to ask, but even getting them a seat and a glass of water was all I could do, but as least I acknowledged them I guess? Whatever, I think the crux of it is that I prefer my kids to be running around, being cheeky, laughing, giggling, having fun, even if they are ill. I like the banter and cheek of them and I miss the chatter so much more than I thought I would. Ohhhh I could so cry at the prospect of another 7 weeks of this.
Anyway off my high horse. I keep getting days when I'm happy and so glad to be doing this, then others when I'm low and wonder what made me think I could ever do this in the first place. I don't know, maybe in this intense placement it turns over quickly? For example, first day I hated and had to stop myself walking out so many times, seriously counting down the hours, second shift I woke up determined to give it my all and I did...BUT was really patrionised all day and left feeling worse, the next shift the day after I woke up feeling tired and achey and literally peeled myself out of bed...to have a day where I was pretty much left on my own (and had others around me) but coped and felt like, y'know, maybe just maybe I could be an ok nurse? That day we had something come to the ward, which I knew about from a previous placement, and it took all my courage to speak up and say I knew what to do....(SO HARD IN A PLACE OF REAL NURSES) but I said it, and they did it, and it worked...but it took a few times for them to listen to me...which of course ruined my confidence a bit, you know when you're saying stuff and nobody listens? But eventually I spoke up, so I should 'reflect' (haha) on being confident on the stuff I do know well(ish) cos I guess not everybody has the same placement, so not everyone knows the same information?
Anyhoo as a side note I think I might have found the area that I really want to get in to in the future (renal) which might sound boring but it's way more interesting than it sounds! Did you know that kidneys help regulate blood pressure?! Thought not :oP Hehe! But I'm really interested in that side of things, and if I'm honest, if I tell people I'm into 'renal' I get the reaction of, to put bluntly, 'you like piss?'...when really it's so much more than that! It's all fluid balance, weight, clearing the blood of toxins....sooooo much! It's pretty sad cos I keep wanting to read up on it! If I get my first choice for management then I will be SO HAPPY!!!
Better go now, it's late and I've spent both Saturday and Sunday working 13 hour shifts! Not as bad as it sounds but I feel like I've not seen anyone! Also my hands are red raw from washing them a million times a day, I am going to smother them and and my face (dry from the heating on the ward) in cream and sleep!
OK so placement. I've done my first week. Survived (just). I've kind of learnt stuff, but maybe not nursing stuff, more stuff about intensive care nurses I guess. And I think the most important part I've learnt is that I don't think I'd ever want to be an ICU nurse. Not unless I had a mortgage and that was the only job available...so I won't rule it out (!) but would rule out job satisfaction.
Don't get me wrong, they are lovely people. Friendly, funny, sweet, lovely people. But, if I'm allowed to say, they remind me of theatre staff a little - as in they see the patient as a 'body' and they need to do things to make the 'body' better. I think in ICU it's difficult to see the patient as a person. Today a nurse was doing handover and went in to all sorts of detail about the physical aspects of the conditions, but after she gave her speech, the person taking over asked 'Ok, and what was X like?' to which the nurse had nothing to say. Similar to when a patient is being worked on and their relative is in tears watching, yes, I know they might not have time in an emergency situation, but when it's just routine things, I think they should be explained. Instead I saw how upset they were and asked how they were, yeah, I got a lot of feelings and questions from them, some of which I, as a student, couldn't answer but explained who it was best for them to ask, but even getting them a seat and a glass of water was all I could do, but as least I acknowledged them I guess? Whatever, I think the crux of it is that I prefer my kids to be running around, being cheeky, laughing, giggling, having fun, even if they are ill. I like the banter and cheek of them and I miss the chatter so much more than I thought I would. Ohhhh I could so cry at the prospect of another 7 weeks of this.
Anyway off my high horse. I keep getting days when I'm happy and so glad to be doing this, then others when I'm low and wonder what made me think I could ever do this in the first place. I don't know, maybe in this intense placement it turns over quickly? For example, first day I hated and had to stop myself walking out so many times, seriously counting down the hours, second shift I woke up determined to give it my all and I did...BUT was really patrionised all day and left feeling worse, the next shift the day after I woke up feeling tired and achey and literally peeled myself out of bed...to have a day where I was pretty much left on my own (and had others around me) but coped and felt like, y'know, maybe just maybe I could be an ok nurse? That day we had something come to the ward, which I knew about from a previous placement, and it took all my courage to speak up and say I knew what to do....(SO HARD IN A PLACE OF REAL NURSES) but I said it, and they did it, and it worked...but it took a few times for them to listen to me...which of course ruined my confidence a bit, you know when you're saying stuff and nobody listens? But eventually I spoke up, so I should 'reflect' (haha) on being confident on the stuff I do know well(ish) cos I guess not everybody has the same placement, so not everyone knows the same information?
Anyhoo as a side note I think I might have found the area that I really want to get in to in the future (renal) which might sound boring but it's way more interesting than it sounds! Did you know that kidneys help regulate blood pressure?! Thought not :oP Hehe! But I'm really interested in that side of things, and if I'm honest, if I tell people I'm into 'renal' I get the reaction of, to put bluntly, 'you like piss?'...when really it's so much more than that! It's all fluid balance, weight, clearing the blood of toxins....sooooo much! It's pretty sad cos I keep wanting to read up on it! If I get my first choice for management then I will be SO HAPPY!!!
Better go now, it's late and I've spent both Saturday and Sunday working 13 hour shifts! Not as bad as it sounds but I feel like I've not seen anyone! Also my hands are red raw from washing them a million times a day, I am going to smother them and and my face (dry from the heating on the ward) in cream and sleep!
Thursday 25 February 2010
FRUSTRATED
I can't think of any words that describe how I'm feeling right now, there are too many, annoyed, upset, disappointed, stressed, let down, worried, stupid, and of course frustrated!
FRUSTRATED that I did so much work, did so much preparation, then when it came to a final simulation, I just let myself down by doing so crap.
FRUSTRATED by the fact that still, after all these months, my confidence is at an all time low and I'm trying so hard, I'm just stupid.
FRUSTRATED that I need to tell people how I'm feeling, but can't do it. I talk to my friends a lot more than I used to, and they're fantastic. But I should tell the tutors at Uni when I'm struggling, but even given the opportunity, I just turn red and can't talk. Today I was fighting back the tears and I don't know why, I should just cry in front of everyone, other people do, why can't I?!
FRUSTRATED as I'm seriously considering giving up, no not giving up - taking a break from it all, but don't have the guts. I'd have to come back in to a whole new year group, making new friends and ideally going on a 3 year course instead, but I can't because I'm too stubborn to give in. But is it really worth making myself this unhappy because I'm too stubborn, and love the girls in my group? Are the people in my group really worth putting myself through this? I could make new friends, but I don't want to have to start all over again. And I really LOVE my girls.
And so it is a viscious circle and I'm getting myself all worked up, THEN get even more frustrated at myself because I PROMISED myself I wouldn't get myself in to a state. GRRRRRRR!!!!!
I just went for a nice long walk complete with headphones, to try and de-stress but it hasn't happened. HOW STUPID AM I?!
Start my Critical Care placement on Monday, and I think what I need to over this 3 day weekend, is have a long hard think about what I'm going to do with my life.
FRUSTRATED that I did so much work, did so much preparation, then when it came to a final simulation, I just let myself down by doing so crap.
FRUSTRATED by the fact that still, after all these months, my confidence is at an all time low and I'm trying so hard, I'm just stupid.
FRUSTRATED that I need to tell people how I'm feeling, but can't do it. I talk to my friends a lot more than I used to, and they're fantastic. But I should tell the tutors at Uni when I'm struggling, but even given the opportunity, I just turn red and can't talk. Today I was fighting back the tears and I don't know why, I should just cry in front of everyone, other people do, why can't I?!
FRUSTRATED as I'm seriously considering giving up, no not giving up - taking a break from it all, but don't have the guts. I'd have to come back in to a whole new year group, making new friends and ideally going on a 3 year course instead, but I can't because I'm too stubborn to give in. But is it really worth making myself this unhappy because I'm too stubborn, and love the girls in my group? Are the people in my group really worth putting myself through this? I could make new friends, but I don't want to have to start all over again. And I really LOVE my girls.
And so it is a viscious circle and I'm getting myself all worked up, THEN get even more frustrated at myself because I PROMISED myself I wouldn't get myself in to a state. GRRRRRRR!!!!!
I just went for a nice long walk complete with headphones, to try and de-stress but it hasn't happened. HOW STUPID AM I?!
Start my Critical Care placement on Monday, and I think what I need to over this 3 day weekend, is have a long hard think about what I'm going to do with my life.
Tuesday 16 February 2010
Today
Urrrgh......blurghhh...yukky
But survived. Did it. Not even that special really. But I'll explain later. Just a really really hard day.
Not a week of lessons to go then straight on to a Critical Care placement, not sure I can do this...?
As tired and stressed and sad as I am, I want to be a nurse MORE THAN ANYTHING, and difficult placements are a challenge, I guesss...so I will give my all. Doesn't stop me being scared though.
Plus when I'm stressed my sleep is so messed up, I have some funny tales to tell. Next time maybe.
For now, need sleep and of the good uninterrupted variety please
OKAAAAAY Minor update on the things I mentioned:
Stuff I survived:
We did a simulation, for the second time recorded. It was scary as normal, but me and a lovely friend in my group were first up recorded, and to be honest, we were ok! Well she was better than me, but I actually said stuff, and even if I do find it hard to pretend it's a real baby, we did good I think! (And that's hard to say I did ok there). Doesn't sound much but I came away feeling a kinda high, more as in 'I did it' than 'I did well' but it's a step in the right direction! Everyone else did so fantastic, so proud of them!
Second thing was a few lectures I was DREADING. So much so I nearly didn't go. One was 'Withdrawel of Treatment' which was so hard, I had to stop myself walking out about six times, and to be entirely honest, if we didn't have to sit in such stupid American style desks, where you had to lift the desk up to stand up in, therefore pushing more attention on yourself, I'd have walked out. I reckon that's why we have desks like that...to prevent people making a show of themselves by walking out mid-lecture.
The others were 'Palliative Care' and 'Breaking Bad News'.
First up 'Palliative Care' was so hard. I could only think of my friend's little girl through the entire lecture. It was so hard. But then this gorgeous girl in my class was talking about things that happened to her, and, to be honest, I've no reason to complain. They're an inspiration. I wish I could be even a tiny bit as strong.
Next 'Breaking Bad News' which I dreaded, not as much as the others, but, I was worried, as, I am stupid I let myself get worked up about it. On this lecture/workshop we had a lecture, then a practical (recorded) which I was so dreading, but you know what? We had fun! God I love those girls in my group! I know it's not anything to laugh about but we're just so comfortable with eachother now, it was fine! Don't know what I was worried about! I think we all did good, wasn't worth worrying about! We had a good giggle, whether it was nerves, doesn't matter. We did it :o)
Ahhhhh it's late, need to try and get SOME sleep tonight! Ohhhh yeah sleep, funny stories I promised....OK, so when I'm stressed I sleep walk/sleep talk/do things in my sleep. So far I've tried to run an IV drip in my sleep (therefore almost pulling my light off my wall...), I've tried to inject my wall, tried to set up a dialysis machine...with my radio alarm cable...those are the 'medical' things! I've also woken up to stacked toiley rolls on my bedroom floor (wtf?), a wide open bedroom window, which is directly under my bed (and so easy to climb out of, I've had my bedroom window locked and the key hidden...) I've woke up with my sock drawer wide open and the contents in my bed, as well as just general scary, sleep walkingness! I know it's due to 'stress' whatever that is, but it's a sure fire way to know I'm feeling the pressure, even if I don't consciously feel it!
But survived. Did it. Not even that special really. But I'll explain later. Just a really really hard day.
Not a week of lessons to go then straight on to a Critical Care placement, not sure I can do this...?
As tired and stressed and sad as I am, I want to be a nurse MORE THAN ANYTHING, and difficult placements are a challenge, I guesss...so I will give my all. Doesn't stop me being scared though.
Plus when I'm stressed my sleep is so messed up, I have some funny tales to tell. Next time maybe.
For now, need sleep and of the good uninterrupted variety please
OKAAAAAY Minor update on the things I mentioned:
Stuff I survived:
We did a simulation, for the second time recorded. It was scary as normal, but me and a lovely friend in my group were first up recorded, and to be honest, we were ok! Well she was better than me, but I actually said stuff, and even if I do find it hard to pretend it's a real baby, we did good I think! (And that's hard to say I did ok there). Doesn't sound much but I came away feeling a kinda high, more as in 'I did it' than 'I did well' but it's a step in the right direction! Everyone else did so fantastic, so proud of them!
Second thing was a few lectures I was DREADING. So much so I nearly didn't go. One was 'Withdrawel of Treatment' which was so hard, I had to stop myself walking out about six times, and to be entirely honest, if we didn't have to sit in such stupid American style desks, where you had to lift the desk up to stand up in, therefore pushing more attention on yourself, I'd have walked out. I reckon that's why we have desks like that...to prevent people making a show of themselves by walking out mid-lecture.
The others were 'Palliative Care' and 'Breaking Bad News'.
First up 'Palliative Care' was so hard. I could only think of my friend's little girl through the entire lecture. It was so hard. But then this gorgeous girl in my class was talking about things that happened to her, and, to be honest, I've no reason to complain. They're an inspiration. I wish I could be even a tiny bit as strong.
Next 'Breaking Bad News' which I dreaded, not as much as the others, but, I was worried, as, I am stupid I let myself get worked up about it. On this lecture/workshop we had a lecture, then a practical (recorded) which I was so dreading, but you know what? We had fun! God I love those girls in my group! I know it's not anything to laugh about but we're just so comfortable with eachother now, it was fine! Don't know what I was worried about! I think we all did good, wasn't worth worrying about! We had a good giggle, whether it was nerves, doesn't matter. We did it :o)
Ahhhhh it's late, need to try and get SOME sleep tonight! Ohhhh yeah sleep, funny stories I promised....OK, so when I'm stressed I sleep walk/sleep talk/do things in my sleep. So far I've tried to run an IV drip in my sleep (therefore almost pulling my light off my wall...), I've tried to inject my wall, tried to set up a dialysis machine...with my radio alarm cable...those are the 'medical' things! I've also woken up to stacked toiley rolls on my bedroom floor (wtf?), a wide open bedroom window, which is directly under my bed (and so easy to climb out of, I've had my bedroom window locked and the key hidden...) I've woke up with my sock drawer wide open and the contents in my bed, as well as just general scary, sleep walkingness! I know it's due to 'stress' whatever that is, but it's a sure fire way to know I'm feeling the pressure, even if I don't consciously feel it!
Wednesday 3 February 2010
Like A Yo-Yo...
I seem to be up one minute, then really down, then feel up again...like a yo-yo, I think that's how you spell 'yo-yo' anyway!
Today was an OK day, I'm still not sleeping but this morning I was feeling even more knackered than usual, I had a lecture when the guy talked for two hours and, yeah, he's funny but I couldn't concentrate as well as I should be. Luckily we're in late tomorrow so I can *hopefully* have a bit of a lie in, if I can't fall asleep til a ridiculous time again!
It kind of got a bit better later on. We had this simulation thing this afternoon, which was filmed, and I didn't realise it was today as I'd have got myself even more worked up. I know it's daft and I know one of my new years resolutions was to chill out, and I am trying but sometimes I get myself worked up over stupid things. Anyway, we had to do it in pairs and the my friends were really really good (I was so proud!) But then there were a few of us not wanting to do it, I really didn't want to. For two reasons really, 1) Self Conscious and 2)I was worried if I watched it back and saw I was totally crap, I'd lose all of the little confidence I have, so I'd think I'm a crap nurse and leave...or something? It's just really difficult to pretend that this little sim baby/child is a real baby/child, so I can't really take it seriously. I know that sounds daft but it makes sense in my head. OK so anyway, I was absolutely hating to have to do it, but I thought of how much I want to be a nurse, how much I have pushed myself so far, and I'm NOT a quitter. I always said when I started my training that I'd never say 'no' to anything, from going to theatres, taking a BM, doing things that scared me, so I decided to give it a go! Granted I was absolute SHITE. I'm not even joking, I was crap, but at least I gave it a go, I saw that it wasn't as hideously terrifying as I thought and although I couldn't really make myself say that much, I'm chuffed that I even tried, I knew I'd be crap, but I know I'd be more annoyed and frustrated at myself for not even giving it a go. Doesn't sound much to be proud of I know, but I get way to stressed about stuff like this. Next time, yes I did say next time, I will push myself a bit further and hopefully feel a bit better. I can see the logic behind it being a good learing experience, but it's still really uncomfortable and horrible!
So anyway, feeling a tiny bit more positive about things, and realise that all my class and the staff at uni are fab and really supportive, so I'm even luckier to be doing my course at such a good place, maybe, just maybe, I can do this, and maybe that's the first time I've allowed myself to think that.
Now to make a dent in that massive pile of work I've been ignoring...
Today was an OK day, I'm still not sleeping but this morning I was feeling even more knackered than usual, I had a lecture when the guy talked for two hours and, yeah, he's funny but I couldn't concentrate as well as I should be. Luckily we're in late tomorrow so I can *hopefully* have a bit of a lie in, if I can't fall asleep til a ridiculous time again!
It kind of got a bit better later on. We had this simulation thing this afternoon, which was filmed, and I didn't realise it was today as I'd have got myself even more worked up. I know it's daft and I know one of my new years resolutions was to chill out, and I am trying but sometimes I get myself worked up over stupid things. Anyway, we had to do it in pairs and the my friends were really really good (I was so proud!) But then there were a few of us not wanting to do it, I really didn't want to. For two reasons really, 1) Self Conscious and 2)I was worried if I watched it back and saw I was totally crap, I'd lose all of the little confidence I have, so I'd think I'm a crap nurse and leave...or something? It's just really difficult to pretend that this little sim baby/child is a real baby/child, so I can't really take it seriously. I know that sounds daft but it makes sense in my head. OK so anyway, I was absolutely hating to have to do it, but I thought of how much I want to be a nurse, how much I have pushed myself so far, and I'm NOT a quitter. I always said when I started my training that I'd never say 'no' to anything, from going to theatres, taking a BM, doing things that scared me, so I decided to give it a go! Granted I was absolute SHITE. I'm not even joking, I was crap, but at least I gave it a go, I saw that it wasn't as hideously terrifying as I thought and although I couldn't really make myself say that much, I'm chuffed that I even tried, I knew I'd be crap, but I know I'd be more annoyed and frustrated at myself for not even giving it a go. Doesn't sound much to be proud of I know, but I get way to stressed about stuff like this. Next time, yes I did say next time, I will push myself a bit further and hopefully feel a bit better. I can see the logic behind it being a good learing experience, but it's still really uncomfortable and horrible!
So anyway, feeling a tiny bit more positive about things, and realise that all my class and the staff at uni are fab and really supportive, so I'm even luckier to be doing my course at such a good place, maybe, just maybe, I can do this, and maybe that's the first time I've allowed myself to think that.
Now to make a dent in that massive pile of work I've been ignoring...
Thursday 28 January 2010
Too Soon
Ok so I've realised 2 years isn't enough time to train to be a nurse.
I thought that squashing 3 years in to 2 sounded like a really good idea when I applied. But, if I'm really honest, for me at least, it's nowhere near enough. The other people on my course are amazing and I really can genuinely see them being fantastic nurses when they finish this course. So it is a good course for those clever and experienced enough. It's just me.
Really don't know what to do and I'm so worried about things that I'm not sleeping, can't concentrate and am really struggling with everything. I want to be a nurse more than anything but I'm beginning to realise that I'm not good enough.
What do I do?
I thought that squashing 3 years in to 2 sounded like a really good idea when I applied. But, if I'm really honest, for me at least, it's nowhere near enough. The other people on my course are amazing and I really can genuinely see them being fantastic nurses when they finish this course. So it is a good course for those clever and experienced enough. It's just me.
Really don't know what to do and I'm so worried about things that I'm not sleeping, can't concentrate and am really struggling with everything. I want to be a nurse more than anything but I'm beginning to realise that I'm not good enough.
What do I do?
Thursday 14 January 2010
Oh Deary Me!
I had my first day back at Uni yesterday and whilst it was absolutely lovely to see all my friends, and catch up with what their Christmas/New Year was like, after a couple of lectures I left feeling terrified!
Let me explain. It was pretty much drummed in to us yesterday that in two placements time we will be finished our training and that scares me SO much. We could fail the management placement which I knew, of course, but never really thought about, now I'm convinced I'm going to. I'm a bit scared cos as much as I love doing this, as a student, I enjoy not having the responsibility and to have to take it all on when/if I qualify, scares the life out of me. I'm thinking that maybe I should be a HCA or something similar, as I love the job, love the kids, love the work...am not loving the thought of such responsibility and it's scary. Maybe I should talk to my friends and see how they're feeling, they all just seem so...capable.
On a positive side I passed my assignment and so did my class, so I'm really proud of them all, and I got my next placement sorted and I am RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED about it! Maybe the other feelings will pass...I hope! Gotta keep smiling and stop worrying about stuff!
Let me explain. It was pretty much drummed in to us yesterday that in two placements time we will be finished our training and that scares me SO much. We could fail the management placement which I knew, of course, but never really thought about, now I'm convinced I'm going to. I'm a bit scared cos as much as I love doing this, as a student, I enjoy not having the responsibility and to have to take it all on when/if I qualify, scares the life out of me. I'm thinking that maybe I should be a HCA or something similar, as I love the job, love the kids, love the work...am not loving the thought of such responsibility and it's scary. Maybe I should talk to my friends and see how they're feeling, they all just seem so...capable.
On a positive side I passed my assignment and so did my class, so I'm really proud of them all, and I got my next placement sorted and I am RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED about it! Maybe the other feelings will pass...I hope! Gotta keep smiling and stop worrying about stuff!
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