So I didn't get the job, but I feel relieved?

Had my interview today and I didn't get the job. I gave it everything I had, I answered the questions as best I could and looking back, if I were asked the same questions, I'd say exactly the same thing. Afterwards, I met a girl who was also being interviewed and had just completed her management on that ward, and turns out she got the job. They said they were looking for someone who had experience in working on that kind of ward, and as they could clearly see from my application I hadn't, why put me through the stress of an interview I had zero chance of getting?

Normally I'd feel upset and down on myself that I did something wrong, didn't do well enough or messed up completely, but I really don't. I think it's one of three things,

1) In my heart of hearts I never really really wanted that job. Having never worked on the ward and even though I read up on everything and prepared more than I've ever prepared for a job, and wouldn't change a thing I said during the interview, I felt relief when I got the call to say I'd not got it, so surely it's a good thing I didn't get the job, right? Whether I conveyed that across unintentionally I don't know, but I feel that I actually performed better at interview when I wasn't desperate for the job, as when I'm desperate for the job, I get myself all worked up and probably let the nerves take over.

2) It just goes to show it's not what you know, it's who you know. In which case, in reference for me not getting the job due to lack of experience, this limits the jobs I can apply for having only done placements on a limited number of wards (as has everyone, though different wards respectfully). So realistically me applying for a ward I've never had a placement on puts me at a disadvantage to someone applying who has been on the ward before (though granted that works both ways). None of which I don't think is 'fair' but that's life.

3) I'm simply realising that I'm a crap nurse.

It's only been 2 months since I qualified and although that isn't long, it feels longer and it's so easy to lose faith. I sometimes feel that fate can help, and if it makes me feel better believing that I didn't get this job because there is a better one more suited to me, then let me be happy believing in fate, that's not to say I expect people to come knocking on my door with job offers, I know I have to keep putting in the work in applications and interviews.

I really hope anyone who reads my blog, that is if anyone does (!) gets a job before or very shortly after qualifying, because it really does feel soul destroying getting nowhere.

No, Scrap That...

...I GOTS MYSELF AN INTERVIEW!!!

Amazing how one little interview can make you feel a million times better! Granted I probably won't get it, but I'm going to read everything I can, be the best I can be and keep my fingers crossed. I really REALLY want this! :o)

Feelings

Hmmm I don't normally feel this crappy, but, today I do. Well actually today and the day before, where I just wanted to stay in bed. It's nowhere near depression or anything like that, I find that if I make myself do something then I don't feel so crap. It's just the actual making myself doing something, or even just getting dressed. Also I'm being really snappy to the people I love, and whilst I know I'm doing it, I can stop myself normally, but I still think snappy things then I feel bad for just thinking bitchy thoughts, even if I don't say them out loud. Hmmm.

Anyway, no nursing job is REALLY getting to me. I can't go on the Nurse Bank as I haven't completed preceptorship and I can't complete preceptorship cos I haven't got a job. Can't get a nursing job near home cos there are none available. Can't get one away from home cos though I apply, I don't hear; and can't get a non-nursey job near home cos I apply for loads and all I get is 'over qualified'. IT SUCKS. Like, seriously. Temp admin jobs don't want me. Temp sales assistant jobs don't want me. Temp care jobs don't want me. Probably cos they see I'm a qualified nurse and know once I get that nurse job I'll be away. I feel like the world is against me, I am so fed up. Kinda want to crawl away in my bed until someone gives me a job. Also a lot of the friends that I'm always there for, no matter what, are not there for me, so whilst I feel completely alone sometimes, at least I know who my real friends are, and the rest can quite frankly, fuck off.

Ok so I know it sounds like I'm in an absolutely foul mood, which to be honest I probably am, at least if I get it all down on here it'll be out of my head and so lessen the chances that I actually take it out on someone I love, see there is a positive to blogging!

I guess I feel let down, for want of a better phrase. Let down that at uni we'd been led to believe there would always be jobs there. I mean who would expect there to be a lack of nursing jobs? They're always crying out loud for nurses! As it stands I feel so unprepared from Uni. I feel at the moment, on giving up the nursing thing. In my heart I can't ever give up, but right now, for my sanity of finding a job to apply for, applying, putting myself through interviews (I research so much and my nerves are cut to shreds) all to be given a 'no'...I can't do it anymore. Some people get the first job they've applied for and the first interview they've done. One on my coursemates applied for first job they liked, had one interview and got the job, accepted job, applied for another, got interview, got offered it...they've never felt rejection. Whilst that's good for them, and I really mean it when I say I'm happy for them, they don't know how it feels to keep being rejected. It really sucks, it makes you question everything and when you have little confidence as it it, you just feel shit.

Also like I always think 'there are worse people off' and there really are. I have nothing to whinge about compared to some. I have a few things that make me smile, I'll share them here in case any other person in my situation feels as rubbish:

http://www.givesmehope.com/ (as title suggests)

http://immd.icanhascheezburger.com/ (little things make your day)

http://www.fmylife.com/ (always someone worse off...)

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ (ditto to above!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0 (Happy People)

http://www.e4.com/video/KjfGlwfQg5rucsqKTdoseA/play.e4 (Just...yeah my sense of humour)

As well as Glee, cheesy music, pyjamas and good books, of which I've got through many since January.

All in all a strange blog entry but I feel better for getting my thoughts and feelings down. Though at the moment I've lost hope with nursing and am applying for anything, I'm hoping one day soon the nursing magic will return and I'll feel more optimistic.

Fresh New Start?

Could be exciting right? I'm applying for jobs literally EVERYWHERE. For one of two reasons. Firstly...I NEED a job! But secondly, I quite fancy a new independant fresh start, somewhere to just learn who I am.

I've applied allover. Yorkshire, Preston, Doncaster, Wales...all over. Not that I've not applied nearer home, there has been ONE new job in Newcastle, which I've applied for and though ideally I'd like to stay here, I'd be more than happy to move away and meet new people, a new challenge...sometimes staying here I'd just feel I'm stuck in a rut. Even if it's only a move for a year or two, I think it'd do me the world of good. I am still hoping to do a year in Aussie so it'd be a good trial run, see how I cope, see how I feel.

To be fair I've been at home far too long, and whilst I love my family so so so much, I need to get out there and be me.

Anyway, hoping that at least one job will be giving me an interview at least!