I had a good day today!
I can't believe how much ONE good day can make up for a load of rubbish days. The only reason it was good was because I was working with a lovely lovely nurse and wasn't afraid to ask stupid questions to her, so it was just great and I learnt loads! Really really good day, one of them where it makes you realise why you want to do this job.
Also, was thinking, IF I actually do manage to qualify, find someone stupid enough to employ me, work enough to do mentorship training, pass that, then am actually some day a mentor...I've learnt a lot about what makes a good mentor and what makes a bad mentor...
Tuesday 30 March 2010
Friday 19 March 2010
5 Weeks To Go...
That's only 15 shifts isn't it?
Then why is it dragging SO much? And why does it make me doubt it all? I had my tutor come on her visit on Monday, which was fine, my mentor was lovely and said I was doing ok, which is good I guess? But I so don't feel like I am, I feel way out of my depth. I feel like I shouldn't be doing this. I feel like I'm too stupid to be a nurse and more than that I feel like in my training it's too early to work in intensive care.
I've been thinking a lot about it all and am still really considering everything before I make an important decision about whether to leave or not. I don't know if it's just me, or other student nurses feel this, but, the only thing about placement is that you're so new and fresh and enthusiastic that you want to do well and will go on a shift with the intentions of being the best nurse that you can be. Thing is, or so I've found on this placement, you lose all your eagerness within about an hour and just mooch along like everyone else til it's home time, and I really HATE that. So it's very easy to come away feeling like you've just done nothing. It doedsn't help when someone on your course knows everyone on the ward, so you end up feeling like you'll let them down if you have a shit day. Extra pressure is not good. And if I'm totally honest I'm feeling like I'm cutting myself away from the people on my course, cos somehow I feel like I'm going to be leaving or failing anyway, so why not just distance myself now? This all feels horrible and keeps my awake at night trust me. We're all meant to be going on a holiday, and I've paid my bit, but to be honest I'm thinking of not going and just letting them have fun. They can keep the money, I just think they'll have more fun without me.
Talking of nights. I feel completely ok doing nights. I don't have a sleep during breaks on the ward (mainly due to my sleepwalking...which is becoming a regular occurance) but I really am ok with the whole no sleeping thing. Maybe when this all doesn't work out I'll get a job as a security guard or something, so I won't care about staying up all night?
Sorry for depressing blog, just, finding it all a bit much at the moment and don't know where to write it all down.
For an extra note before I go, I feel like I've been such a horrible person this last week or two. I've been so snappy with the people I love and I've taken out my frustration on them, and they don't deserve it. I feel this is an extra reason to quit the whole nursing thing. Take tonight for example, my Mam asked me something about facebook and whilst I'm dead proud that she's on facebook and that, I was so tired and stressed, I snapped and had a go at her, and she really didn't deserve it, I feel crap and deservedly so. Is nursing worth it? I don't think it is.
Then why is it dragging SO much? And why does it make me doubt it all? I had my tutor come on her visit on Monday, which was fine, my mentor was lovely and said I was doing ok, which is good I guess? But I so don't feel like I am, I feel way out of my depth. I feel like I shouldn't be doing this. I feel like I'm too stupid to be a nurse and more than that I feel like in my training it's too early to work in intensive care.
I've been thinking a lot about it all and am still really considering everything before I make an important decision about whether to leave or not. I don't know if it's just me, or other student nurses feel this, but, the only thing about placement is that you're so new and fresh and enthusiastic that you want to do well and will go on a shift with the intentions of being the best nurse that you can be. Thing is, or so I've found on this placement, you lose all your eagerness within about an hour and just mooch along like everyone else til it's home time, and I really HATE that. So it's very easy to come away feeling like you've just done nothing. It doedsn't help when someone on your course knows everyone on the ward, so you end up feeling like you'll let them down if you have a shit day. Extra pressure is not good. And if I'm totally honest I'm feeling like I'm cutting myself away from the people on my course, cos somehow I feel like I'm going to be leaving or failing anyway, so why not just distance myself now? This all feels horrible and keeps my awake at night trust me. We're all meant to be going on a holiday, and I've paid my bit, but to be honest I'm thinking of not going and just letting them have fun. They can keep the money, I just think they'll have more fun without me.
Talking of nights. I feel completely ok doing nights. I don't have a sleep during breaks on the ward (mainly due to my sleepwalking...which is becoming a regular occurance) but I really am ok with the whole no sleeping thing. Maybe when this all doesn't work out I'll get a job as a security guard or something, so I won't care about staying up all night?
Sorry for depressing blog, just, finding it all a bit much at the moment and don't know where to write it all down.
For an extra note before I go, I feel like I've been such a horrible person this last week or two. I've been so snappy with the people I love and I've taken out my frustration on them, and they don't deserve it. I feel this is an extra reason to quit the whole nursing thing. Take tonight for example, my Mam asked me something about facebook and whilst I'm dead proud that she's on facebook and that, I was so tired and stressed, I snapped and had a go at her, and she really didn't deserve it, I feel crap and deservedly so. Is nursing worth it? I don't think it is.
Monday 8 March 2010
Maybe Time For An Update?
I guess it was about time for an update? I think I need to get these thoughts and feelings down, even if I am so tired. Apologies in advance (for anyone who reads this blog, which I think is...nobody!)
OK so placement. I've done my first week. Survived (just). I've kind of learnt stuff, but maybe not nursing stuff, more stuff about intensive care nurses I guess. And I think the most important part I've learnt is that I don't think I'd ever want to be an ICU nurse. Not unless I had a mortgage and that was the only job available...so I won't rule it out (!) but would rule out job satisfaction.
Don't get me wrong, they are lovely people. Friendly, funny, sweet, lovely people. But, if I'm allowed to say, they remind me of theatre staff a little - as in they see the patient as a 'body' and they need to do things to make the 'body' better. I think in ICU it's difficult to see the patient as a person. Today a nurse was doing handover and went in to all sorts of detail about the physical aspects of the conditions, but after she gave her speech, the person taking over asked 'Ok, and what was X like?' to which the nurse had nothing to say. Similar to when a patient is being worked on and their relative is in tears watching, yes, I know they might not have time in an emergency situation, but when it's just routine things, I think they should be explained. Instead I saw how upset they were and asked how they were, yeah, I got a lot of feelings and questions from them, some of which I, as a student, couldn't answer but explained who it was best for them to ask, but even getting them a seat and a glass of water was all I could do, but as least I acknowledged them I guess? Whatever, I think the crux of it is that I prefer my kids to be running around, being cheeky, laughing, giggling, having fun, even if they are ill. I like the banter and cheek of them and I miss the chatter so much more than I thought I would. Ohhhh I could so cry at the prospect of another 7 weeks of this.
Anyway off my high horse. I keep getting days when I'm happy and so glad to be doing this, then others when I'm low and wonder what made me think I could ever do this in the first place. I don't know, maybe in this intense placement it turns over quickly? For example, first day I hated and had to stop myself walking out so many times, seriously counting down the hours, second shift I woke up determined to give it my all and I did...BUT was really patrionised all day and left feeling worse, the next shift the day after I woke up feeling tired and achey and literally peeled myself out of bed...to have a day where I was pretty much left on my own (and had others around me) but coped and felt like, y'know, maybe just maybe I could be an ok nurse? That day we had something come to the ward, which I knew about from a previous placement, and it took all my courage to speak up and say I knew what to do....(SO HARD IN A PLACE OF REAL NURSES) but I said it, and they did it, and it worked...but it took a few times for them to listen to me...which of course ruined my confidence a bit, you know when you're saying stuff and nobody listens? But eventually I spoke up, so I should 'reflect' (haha) on being confident on the stuff I do know well(ish) cos I guess not everybody has the same placement, so not everyone knows the same information?
Anyhoo as a side note I think I might have found the area that I really want to get in to in the future (renal) which might sound boring but it's way more interesting than it sounds! Did you know that kidneys help regulate blood pressure?! Thought not :oP Hehe! But I'm really interested in that side of things, and if I'm honest, if I tell people I'm into 'renal' I get the reaction of, to put bluntly, 'you like piss?'...when really it's so much more than that! It's all fluid balance, weight, clearing the blood of toxins....sooooo much! It's pretty sad cos I keep wanting to read up on it! If I get my first choice for management then I will be SO HAPPY!!!
Better go now, it's late and I've spent both Saturday and Sunday working 13 hour shifts! Not as bad as it sounds but I feel like I've not seen anyone! Also my hands are red raw from washing them a million times a day, I am going to smother them and and my face (dry from the heating on the ward) in cream and sleep!
OK so placement. I've done my first week. Survived (just). I've kind of learnt stuff, but maybe not nursing stuff, more stuff about intensive care nurses I guess. And I think the most important part I've learnt is that I don't think I'd ever want to be an ICU nurse. Not unless I had a mortgage and that was the only job available...so I won't rule it out (!) but would rule out job satisfaction.
Don't get me wrong, they are lovely people. Friendly, funny, sweet, lovely people. But, if I'm allowed to say, they remind me of theatre staff a little - as in they see the patient as a 'body' and they need to do things to make the 'body' better. I think in ICU it's difficult to see the patient as a person. Today a nurse was doing handover and went in to all sorts of detail about the physical aspects of the conditions, but after she gave her speech, the person taking over asked 'Ok, and what was X like?' to which the nurse had nothing to say. Similar to when a patient is being worked on and their relative is in tears watching, yes, I know they might not have time in an emergency situation, but when it's just routine things, I think they should be explained. Instead I saw how upset they were and asked how they were, yeah, I got a lot of feelings and questions from them, some of which I, as a student, couldn't answer but explained who it was best for them to ask, but even getting them a seat and a glass of water was all I could do, but as least I acknowledged them I guess? Whatever, I think the crux of it is that I prefer my kids to be running around, being cheeky, laughing, giggling, having fun, even if they are ill. I like the banter and cheek of them and I miss the chatter so much more than I thought I would. Ohhhh I could so cry at the prospect of another 7 weeks of this.
Anyway off my high horse. I keep getting days when I'm happy and so glad to be doing this, then others when I'm low and wonder what made me think I could ever do this in the first place. I don't know, maybe in this intense placement it turns over quickly? For example, first day I hated and had to stop myself walking out so many times, seriously counting down the hours, second shift I woke up determined to give it my all and I did...BUT was really patrionised all day and left feeling worse, the next shift the day after I woke up feeling tired and achey and literally peeled myself out of bed...to have a day where I was pretty much left on my own (and had others around me) but coped and felt like, y'know, maybe just maybe I could be an ok nurse? That day we had something come to the ward, which I knew about from a previous placement, and it took all my courage to speak up and say I knew what to do....(SO HARD IN A PLACE OF REAL NURSES) but I said it, and they did it, and it worked...but it took a few times for them to listen to me...which of course ruined my confidence a bit, you know when you're saying stuff and nobody listens? But eventually I spoke up, so I should 'reflect' (haha) on being confident on the stuff I do know well(ish) cos I guess not everybody has the same placement, so not everyone knows the same information?
Anyhoo as a side note I think I might have found the area that I really want to get in to in the future (renal) which might sound boring but it's way more interesting than it sounds! Did you know that kidneys help regulate blood pressure?! Thought not :oP Hehe! But I'm really interested in that side of things, and if I'm honest, if I tell people I'm into 'renal' I get the reaction of, to put bluntly, 'you like piss?'...when really it's so much more than that! It's all fluid balance, weight, clearing the blood of toxins....sooooo much! It's pretty sad cos I keep wanting to read up on it! If I get my first choice for management then I will be SO HAPPY!!!
Better go now, it's late and I've spent both Saturday and Sunday working 13 hour shifts! Not as bad as it sounds but I feel like I've not seen anyone! Also my hands are red raw from washing them a million times a day, I am going to smother them and and my face (dry from the heating on the ward) in cream and sleep!
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