Mahoosive Blog Entry

Righto, this is probably going to be a massive entry, so you have been warned! I think it's going to be a mish-mash of how I'm feeling and how things are going so I'll apologise in advance if it makes no sense whatsoever.

So, ok, I've been having a rough patch. Or should that be another rough patch? I'll try and explain, as, basically it's all my fault and if I'm honest I'm feeling so stupid about it all. This is in an attempt to explain the negative-ness of my last post and how things are right now.

It started with a rubbish day, one Saturday. I seemed to be working with all the difficult patients, ones that aren't straight forward and ones that I can't really 'fix'. I was having a bit of a hard day, which kept going wrong and was making be feel...shit basically. Then I had a patient in to get some blood pressure readings, and I was asked to take their BP, which is fine but that is literally the one thing I struggle with SO much. I've previously spoke to my mentor about how I needed to clinch this BP thing, and she's sent me to do loads, bless her, she's tried to make me feel better about it by getting me practice, practice, practice! So anyway, trying to be positive I'm thinking 'ok, it's just more practice' so I tried to take this blood pressure, when the scary mother was telling me I was doing it all wrong, I wasn't putting the cuff on properly, I was useless...basically she was scary and had found the part that I was least confident in. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset me of make me lose even more of my little confidence, but, well she did. :o( It really doesn't take much these days. And I feel SO sure I *was* doing it right, but when there is a scary woman telling you you're not, no matter how little medical training she might have had, I still stress like an idiot! Ended up getting a proper nurse to do it. Hmmm.

To top the day off we had oncology patients in too. I looked after one who had cancer (hate that word) twice when he was younger, and was given the 5 year all clear at Christmas, and 5 year all clear is meant to be great, but he was back as he'd been diagnosed again, and I just felt SO ridiculously sorry for him. His mam was saying how hopeful she was when he'd been cancer free for 5 years, then to be diagnosed again she was inconsoleable. Actually maybe I shouldn't chat to families so much and ask so many questions, as it really does give you an insider snippet to their lives and sometimes that's just so hard for them. After that, I saw this little girl, about 5 or 6, who I wasn't looking after, scream the place down as she didn't want to be here, and she was in a pretty little white dress, with a hair band on and no hair, and oh my god, it literally nearly broke my heart. I almost walked then. It was just so unfair for her.

So anyhoo, I was off Sunday, then back in Monday, and to be fair, looking back, it was a bad day. You know one of those days when nothing goes right? I remember thinking loads of little things were going wrong, but I couldn't tell you what they were, maybe it was just ME feeling like I was doing everything wrong when in fact I wasn't being a crap as I felt I was? Or maybe I was just being useless? After everthign was going wrong, the icing on the cake was when I was meant to be going somewhere else in the hospital to watch a scan, and basically, my spatial awareness is crap and I get lost, so I got lost, then found the place I was meant to be, but got there too late so missed the scans and was told to come back another day, and that, ridiculous as it was, was the straw that broke the camels back, as it were, as I found myself waiting at the lifts for one to come down, and just crying like an idiot...AND I DON'T CRY!!! Literally had to wait for 3 lifts to come up and down too. But it was just too much. I managed to finish my shift even if it did mean I escape to the toilet a few times for a cry, and managed not to cry in front of anyone, as that is my greatest phobia, I can't cry in front of others, it makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I don't know if that's daft but I just can't show that much emotion to others.

That night I was feeling so crap, so pathetic and so ridiculous, so I decided to email my tutor to ask about other courses at Uni which would allow me to still become a nurse but only not as quickly. I really do feel that the accellerated course is just TOO much for someone as useless as me. My tutor rang the following day to say she'd come and visit BUT at that point I'd managed to put myself out there and have a chat to my mentor, which I wouldn't normally do so I felt a bit better at overcoming a little barrier. I told my mentor that I was really doubting everything, that I wasn't doubting my need/want to be a nurse as I absolutely loved what I was doing, but more doubting my ability to be a good nurse. I have to say I am so lucky as my mentor was ABSOLUTELY brilliant, she was amazing, she decided that we needed to make an action plan about what I needed to do to make things better and make me a better student nurse, and we wrote it all down, and I went home that night feeling SO much better, I was so much happier and it was all down to having such a fabulous mentor!

Fast forward to when my tutor came to visit, and it ended up me feeling like crap again. I felt worse after she left, not better. I know it wasn't because of my tutor as she's lovely, I feel like it's my fault and that I should have talked to my mentor first, and not bothered my uni tutor. I regret SO much that I sent her an email when I was stressed, tired, emotional and fed up. I just seriously didn't know who else to email, when I should have just not reached out for help and got on with it, which is what I normally do. Lesson learnt.

So anyway after my tutor visited, I realised that I needed to learn to open up more and talk to my friends. This is hard because I always feel like people who are my friends are just friends cos they feel sorry for me. BUT I text the people on my course (all 8 of them haha! Small group!) asking if anyone was free to just chat the next day, some were on shift and some could chat, but it was so sweet that they even replied to me, so I felt like maybe (just maybe) I wasn't a waste of space. Anyhoo, met up with two of them and they were just SO lovely. I was so happy that people cared enough to reply to my text, but to even take the time out to come and talk things through with me...amazing. Maybe I'm not as shite as I think I am...maybe.

To wrap things up, for my last few shifts, I feel like I've turned a corner. I feel as if I really have made more effort with the relationships between me and the other staff. I know, hand on heart, I've ALWAYS done my best with patient-student nurse relationship, but I'm beginning to realise the I've maybe neglected the student nurse-staff nurse/doctor/nursery nurse/everyone else role a bit, as in, I've always thought that I'm the bottom of the bottom and I don't deserve to even talk to these people, when maybe (and just maybe) I might deserve to talk to them? Maybe not. But I'm learning now that if I at least try, it should work better and I won't feel as rubbish. Also I heard from someone that I seem to 'know' everyone from my previous ward placement and (this is HARD to say but I'll type it quickly so it doesn't matter!) so I must have been noticed for good reasons, by all people from ward clerks and cleaners to doctors and other nurses...ohhh that felt so wrong trying to make out that I have any importance!

So anyway, I have my tutor visiting on Monday and I'm ridiculously scared, I just feel like I'm wasting her time, and everyone elses. I've decided for sure that I'm staying on this course (if they'll let me! I'm SO scared I'm gonna be kicked off or something) and I acknowledge my weaknesses and what I need to work on to be the best nurse that I can. I was thinking of trying to change to a 3 year course, but, sad as it sounds, I just keep thinking of the day I got the letter to say I had a place on this course, and how I was so stupidly happy and actually cried, then packed my job in the very next day, and how much I LOVE what I'm doing, and how I LOVE the placements! I love this placement SO much, I look forward to shifts and I like helping people who need help, the only thing I really have to fix is ME. I need to be more confident, yes, I know that, but it's impossible to fix that overnight. I need to work on that, and I will do.

It would be the biggest regret to fail in a 'job' that I LOVE more than anything I've ever loved, because I don't have the confidence. Now that would be the biggest shame in the world so I won't let it happen, I'll fight all the way. I just feel so lucky that I've found something I love, not many people can say they enjoy their work can they?

Anyway it's time I finished this post, basically I've typed everything that is going on in my head, and sometimes I check my posts through to spelling mistakes and all that but tonight I'm not because I just want to put all these thoughts out there so they're no longer in my head and hopefully I will have the best nights sleep ever tonight!

I don't expect anyone to even read this, it's more for me, and it feels pretty good to get it all down in words, I'm sure there is a nursing term for this....REFLECTION!

Night all xxx

Break?

So, for the 'make or break'...could be break.

I've been trying SO hard to make this placement make me feel like I was doing ok. But facing facts, I'm not.

The shift on Saturday was SO hard, with oncology patients, and today was just horrible. I had to stop myself from crying six or seven times. I really DON'T cry. But today trying to stop the tears, it wasn't just an 'I might cry' it was more of a 'I'm going to cry, I have to keep swallowing to stop the tears from coming or look somewhere else where nobody will notice the tears in my eyes' which is actually really hard work. And for me, pathetic. In the end, I was meant to go somewhere to see a scan, for which I got lost and missed out on, then I was waiting at the lifts which took forever (just to annoy me, of course) and I was literally choking back tears, I nearly phoned my tutor then but I thought I'd get in trouble for having a phone on me. I really don't know how I got to the end of my shift to be honest. But I got my metro and tried so hard to not cry, then again driving home I was trying not to cry as it'd make everything blurry. I only really cried when I was in the shower, washing my day away. Then I just had to be ok again.

What the hell is wrong with me?! It's either just being so unhappy, disappointed and sad, or hormonal. I hope it's the latter. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I should get a job with no responsibility. Even though I hated shop work and office work before, maybe that's all I can do and nursing is just too much for someone like me.

Nerves Are Kicking In

I start my new placment tomorrrow and I am SO SCARED!!! It's ridiculous! I think I'm putting the pressure on, it's make or break basically. My last placement wasn't the greatest and I thought that was because I had a lot going on at the same time BUT what if it's just because I'm a rubbish nurse?! I'm pinning so much on this placement being good that I've not actually stopped to think it might not be the placements, it might be ME being rubbish.

Ohhhhh I am soooo nervous! I wish it was the end of tomorrow so I'd know how I felt! PLEASE LET IT BE A GOOD PLACEMENT!!!

Oh and I tried to break in my new shoes and ended up ripping my feet to shreds. This is not good as it now means that I'm starting a new placement feeling scared, with a bad back and with the worlds biggest blisters on both feet. Still, it could be worse...!