Time To Face Facts

I know it's not been so long since my last blog, but I think it's about time I faced facts. I'm never going to be a nurse, it's a pipe dream that I've dreamt of for so long, and no matter how many times people will tell me (being nice of course) or no matter how many times I tell myself, I will never be a good children's nurse. It's never going to happen. End of dream. I was stupid and delusional to think I could ever do this.

I guess I could see it as one of two things. 1) I'm a failure. 2) I'm a failure but I acknowledge that, so it's time to accept and move on, try something different, learn a new skill, make the most of the situation.

Either way I'm a failure. A failed children's nurse. Just thankful I can finally learn to accept it and move on. I'd say something about the start of a fresh new chapter but to be honest there will always be that little bit of me hoping something will come up, that simply one children's nursing job will come up that I could hope to get, but it just won't happen. It's been months since I qualified and there have been so few jobs. Then there are the other intakes staggered through the year that are becoming qualified. Seems it's time to accept defeat and move on, safe in the knowledge that wherever I get a non nursey job, I'm at least first aid trained. Maybe this will be my last blog, I seem a fraud parading around as a student nurse when I’m an unemployed qualified nurse, not that it makes any difference, I’m still unemployed and sad about it.

Least I have my family and real friends I guess.

Getting Stuff Off My Chest

OK, so before my thoughts go down into my blog, I know many people are worse off than me and I have no right in complaining, however, seeing as nobody reads my blog (or not many!) and it's kinda getting to be more a diary due to being an unemployed nurse, so I'm just gonna roll with it.

I'm feeling really disappointed. If I'm truly honest, which I am, I'm feeling disappointed in lots of things. Uni. 'Friends'. Job Situation. Lots of things.

Starting with Uni, I feel that they didn't fully prepare us for the lack of jobs, it may be the climate at the moment, but it was never stated that there would be no jobs once we qualified, though that may just be me being naive? We didn't do much in terms of preparation and whilst that could be due to the kind of course, or whatever, I got more help in terms of interview prep from my management placement. I don't feel I'd be able to go to my tutor and ask for help as she's is probably juggling her current workload and tutor groups so I'd not want to add any more stress to her. Plus the one time I did ask she wasn't a great deal of help.

Moving on to 'friends', I know I've said it before but everyone reckons the friends you make during nurse training are going to be friends for life. Sadly I very much disagree. As we were a small group of 7 in the end, you'd think we'd stick together? Unfortunately this isn't the case. There are four main girls who are friends, who have one by one reduced the number of their friendship group by either being nasty or just plain ignorant to the rest of us, which, I find quite incredible for someone in the caring profession. For some reason I am now being ignored and whilst, yes, it hurts a bit, it also goes to show that no matter how hard you try to be nice, helpful or caring to others, it doesn't really matter in the end. Still I'm not going to change myself to fit in with others, if they enjoy bitching and nastiness, so be it. I'm mature enough to realise I don't want people like that in my life. It just generally pisses me off when they arrange a 'secret' holiday and boast about it all over a well known social network site. It's just pathetic, something you might do when you were 14, though saying that, if I saw any of them tomorrow I'd still smile and be polite. Damn being brought up so well - shame that can't extend to them! Still, it makes me more thankful for the true and genuine friends I have, which I love lots. I'd rather have 5 close friends who I could trust my life with than 200 'friends' whick I couldn't.

The job situation still sucks, I said in a previous blog I'd only apply for things I really really want...that didn't last long, I've ended up applying for a job that came up, just cos I'm desperate so no doubt if I'm lucky enough to get an interview (doubtful) I'll stress myself up, mess up the interview, not get the job then end up feeling a million times more sorry for myself. I'm thinking of drawing a time on when I'm just going to stop applying and give up on the dream. As much as I don't want to, I'm slowly realising that it's not going to happen and maybe the sooner I see that for sure, the better. I'm still young(ish) I have plenty of time to change career? If I'd done adult I'd probably not be in this situation, there seems to be lots of jobs in that branch at the moment but then having not done adult nursing, I'm unsure of the competition so it could be just as bad.

All in all I guess I look like I'm feeling sorry for myself and I probably am. I guess I took it for granted that when I qualified there would be jobs available and if there wasn't I'd have the support from friends to help. Ahh well, life is there to teach you things the hard way I guess.

Still I have a song which is one of my absolute favourites and always cheers me up (wow I sound so ridiculously emo, those who know me know I'm far from it!) but anyway, here is it, hope it makes someone smile too cos I absolutely love it :)

SMILE :)

Friendship

Met up with an amazing friend today, Naomi. Her daughter Ellie, was born with ARPKD (Autosomal Recessive Polycystic Kidney Disease) and lived for 40 hours.

For the full heartbreaking story Naomi has a blog...Naomi's Blog

and she is aiming to raise £10K for the RVI's Saving Lives. This can be done via the justgiving page:

Or via her craft store

Please please please give what you can, even one pound can help. Please help my amazing friend Naomi in helping others who suffer from this.

A New Plan

Ok, so I after a lot of thinking and lots of worrying and a good chat with some lovely friends, I have a plan!

(It's not terribly exciting mind)

I simply cannot continuously put myself through the constant rejection when applying for nursing jobs. It's shattering my confidence, it's making me wonder why I've bothered these last couple of years and it's making me doubt everything I do. In short, it's just ruined all my self belief and makes me feel really really sad.

However, I can't give up completely as then all the hard work, studying, long hours, stress, everything will have been for nothing, and to me, that's not acceptable. As a rule, if I want something, I try and try and try til I get there.

SO, the plan. I'm only going to apply for jobs I really REALLY want. When I think about things, I don't mind the incredible amount of short term stress that preparing for and having an interview brings about, if there is a chance I will get a job perfect for me, out of it. But I refuse to put myself through this stress if it's for a job which I feel I should apply for but don't really really want. As a friend said, it's about time I looked after myself a bit more instead of others. Harder than it sounds!

For example, there is a job advertised for a cardiac ICU, which normally I'd apply for, possibly get an interview, stress about everything, be a quivering wreck on interview day where I will mess up, to eventually be told I didn't get the job...which I wasn't 100% desperate for anyway. Thinking the way I'm thinking now, I'm not going to apply so I skip all the heartache (pardon the pun) and I'm still in exactly the same position as I would be, if I'd applied, only without the hassle of losing any more confidence. That way, when the jobs I would love do get advertised, I'll feel refreshed, more positive and more hopeful for getting an interview and maybe even the job.

Hmmm all works in theory, but then again there could be no jobs advertised that I like? True, but to be totally honest, I'm not super fussy about where I work, only very honest about where I know I'd not like to work, namely intensive care units or theatres. So really, it probably doesn't sound much of a 'plan' as such, but it makes me feel a bit more empowered to know that I can actually choose not to apply for a job and don't feel pushed into applying for every single one, if that makes any sense???

As for being jobless, I am willing to take any non-nursey job and have applied to many nursing homes in order to build up and keep up to date my skills I have, which will help with my CV and applications to jobs, as well as helping my bank balance(!) so fingers crossed something will come of these jobs.

Reading that over it doesn't seem like much of a plan but that small step of realising I don't have to apply for every job makes me feel a whole lot better about things and will make me feel over the moon if I actually get a nursing job soon as I'll know that it was one I really really wanted. Imagine applying for a job on a ward you'd done a placement on and HATED (we all have them!) and getting it as your first job as a newly qualified, wouldn't you feel as though somehow you'd cheated yourself out of the excitement of your first post a bit? If you really didn't like that ward then you'd dreading your first day as a 'real' nurse and won't be feeling at all excited about it...which I think would be such a shame.

So anyhoo, that's 'the plan', well, until literally NO jobs are advertised and I'm forced to apply for wards I know I'll not like, but hey, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Tthe NMC give your 5 years post qualifying to get a nursing job before they take your qualification off you...I've got PLENTY of time (I hope!)

Not Good News But Not Surprising

So, I didn't get the job and to be honest I'm not surprised. I managed to work myself up, which I tend to do when I really want the job (yet I can stay calm for those I'm not desperate for - if only it was the other way round!). I messed up basically, and if I'm honest, I wouldn't have employed me. I was absolute crap.

When I got the call to say I'd not been successful the nurse was lovely, bless her. There were 48 applicants whittled down to 14 for an interview, then the person given the job had years of experience in that setting. So I guess I could feel happy I was lucky enouth to get an interview?

Only I don't, I just feel really really tired of it all. Whether that's because I didn't sleep well last night or whether I'm just getting fed up? The way I'm feeling right now is that I just can't put myself through the whole process again. I prepare so much for the interviews, I try my best, stress myself out, and all for what? Yet another rejection? Maybe it's telling me something, that I'm simply not cut out for it. But underneath it all I'm so desperate to nurse, I can't imagine doing anything else, and I know deep down, I'll try my best to brush myself down and keep going, it's just getting harder and harder everytime I get given another 'no' and chips further away at the little confidence I have left in myself. I know there are so many people worse off, going through hell every day and I have nothing to moan about, I've great family and friends, all healthy and happy, so I have nothing to whinge about.

It's just exhausting :(

Tomorrow

I have an interview tomorrow and I really really want this job. Regarding my last blog and the 3 points I made, in terms of this interview I: 1) I really do want this job, it is in an emergency assessment unit and I struggle to think of a better ward in which I can learn, see, experience as many things as possible, ideal first nursing post. 2) I've done a placement on this ward! It was early on though and I've improved in confidence and knowledge since then, so hopefully they'll take that on board? 3) There is always a chance I am a crap nurse but I'm learning to feel less nervous negative about interviews and just trying my absolute best, there is nothing else I can do, right?

At the moment I've been feeling relatively chilled on the run up to this interview. I'm trying not to think about things as I'll make myself freak out, however I can feel the anxiety slowly creeping in about tomorrow. I wonder whether to go to bed early or will I toss and turn? Or stay up later so I'll be tired enough to sleep but then will I be too tired to interview well? Or what to do? As my interview is late morning, I'm thinking plan on getting 8 hrs sleep but go to bed an hour earlier to allow for the tossing and turning...oh I think far to much about things!

As my preperation I've been re-reading my reflections from when I did my placement there, familiarising myself on all the things I may come across on the ward, remembering all the protocols (though they may have changed by now?), going over possible questions; I've ironed my outfit, polished my shoes, checked and rechecked I have all the forms/certificates/info I need to bring, even made sure I have the right change for the car park and metro. Oh and, when I get rejected I always feel like I just want to curl up in my bed and watch a movie with chocolate and friends, so a friend and I have arranged to go to the cinema and see 'Water for Elephants' so even if I get bad news, I've got a lovely friend and the cinema which will help take my mind off it and cheer me up...if I (dare I say) get good news then we'll turn it into a mini celebration :)

I can safely say I'm fully prepared. Now hopefully a good nights sleep and tomorrow morning being stress free and I'm good to go. Did I mention I was having a hair nightmare...frizz just isn't the word, that's not a good look...

Wish me luck!