I can't think of any words that describe how I'm feeling right now, there are too many, annoyed, upset, disappointed, stressed, let down, worried, stupid, and of course frustrated!
FRUSTRATED that I did so much work, did so much preparation, then when it came to a final simulation, I just let myself down by doing so crap.
FRUSTRATED by the fact that still, after all these months, my confidence is at an all time low and I'm trying so hard, I'm just stupid.
FRUSTRATED that I need to tell people how I'm feeling, but can't do it. I talk to my friends a lot more than I used to, and they're fantastic. But I should tell the tutors at Uni when I'm struggling, but even given the opportunity, I just turn red and can't talk. Today I was fighting back the tears and I don't know why, I should just cry in front of everyone, other people do, why can't I?!
FRUSTRATED as I'm seriously considering giving up, no not giving up - taking a break from it all, but don't have the guts. I'd have to come back in to a whole new year group, making new friends and ideally going on a 3 year course instead, but I can't because I'm too stubborn to give in. But is it really worth making myself this unhappy because I'm too stubborn, and love the girls in my group? Are the people in my group really worth putting myself through this? I could make new friends, but I don't want to have to start all over again. And I really LOVE my girls.
And so it is a viscious circle and I'm getting myself all worked up, THEN get even more frustrated at myself because I PROMISED myself I wouldn't get myself in to a state. GRRRRRRR!!!!!
I just went for a nice long walk complete with headphones, to try and de-stress but it hasn't happened. HOW STUPID AM I?!
Start my Critical Care placement on Monday, and I think what I need to over this 3 day weekend, is have a long hard think about what I'm going to do with my life.
Thursday 25 February 2010
Tuesday 16 February 2010
Today
Urrrgh......blurghhh...yukky
But survived. Did it. Not even that special really. But I'll explain later. Just a really really hard day.
Not a week of lessons to go then straight on to a Critical Care placement, not sure I can do this...?
As tired and stressed and sad as I am, I want to be a nurse MORE THAN ANYTHING, and difficult placements are a challenge, I guesss...so I will give my all. Doesn't stop me being scared though.
Plus when I'm stressed my sleep is so messed up, I have some funny tales to tell. Next time maybe.
For now, need sleep and of the good uninterrupted variety please
OKAAAAAY Minor update on the things I mentioned:
Stuff I survived:
We did a simulation, for the second time recorded. It was scary as normal, but me and a lovely friend in my group were first up recorded, and to be honest, we were ok! Well she was better than me, but I actually said stuff, and even if I do find it hard to pretend it's a real baby, we did good I think! (And that's hard to say I did ok there). Doesn't sound much but I came away feeling a kinda high, more as in 'I did it' than 'I did well' but it's a step in the right direction! Everyone else did so fantastic, so proud of them!
Second thing was a few lectures I was DREADING. So much so I nearly didn't go. One was 'Withdrawel of Treatment' which was so hard, I had to stop myself walking out about six times, and to be entirely honest, if we didn't have to sit in such stupid American style desks, where you had to lift the desk up to stand up in, therefore pushing more attention on yourself, I'd have walked out. I reckon that's why we have desks like that...to prevent people making a show of themselves by walking out mid-lecture.
The others were 'Palliative Care' and 'Breaking Bad News'.
First up 'Palliative Care' was so hard. I could only think of my friend's little girl through the entire lecture. It was so hard. But then this gorgeous girl in my class was talking about things that happened to her, and, to be honest, I've no reason to complain. They're an inspiration. I wish I could be even a tiny bit as strong.
Next 'Breaking Bad News' which I dreaded, not as much as the others, but, I was worried, as, I am stupid I let myself get worked up about it. On this lecture/workshop we had a lecture, then a practical (recorded) which I was so dreading, but you know what? We had fun! God I love those girls in my group! I know it's not anything to laugh about but we're just so comfortable with eachother now, it was fine! Don't know what I was worried about! I think we all did good, wasn't worth worrying about! We had a good giggle, whether it was nerves, doesn't matter. We did it :o)
Ahhhhh it's late, need to try and get SOME sleep tonight! Ohhhh yeah sleep, funny stories I promised....OK, so when I'm stressed I sleep walk/sleep talk/do things in my sleep. So far I've tried to run an IV drip in my sleep (therefore almost pulling my light off my wall...), I've tried to inject my wall, tried to set up a dialysis machine...with my radio alarm cable...those are the 'medical' things! I've also woken up to stacked toiley rolls on my bedroom floor (wtf?), a wide open bedroom window, which is directly under my bed (and so easy to climb out of, I've had my bedroom window locked and the key hidden...) I've woke up with my sock drawer wide open and the contents in my bed, as well as just general scary, sleep walkingness! I know it's due to 'stress' whatever that is, but it's a sure fire way to know I'm feeling the pressure, even if I don't consciously feel it!
But survived. Did it. Not even that special really. But I'll explain later. Just a really really hard day.
Not a week of lessons to go then straight on to a Critical Care placement, not sure I can do this...?
As tired and stressed and sad as I am, I want to be a nurse MORE THAN ANYTHING, and difficult placements are a challenge, I guesss...so I will give my all. Doesn't stop me being scared though.
Plus when I'm stressed my sleep is so messed up, I have some funny tales to tell. Next time maybe.
For now, need sleep and of the good uninterrupted variety please
OKAAAAAY Minor update on the things I mentioned:
Stuff I survived:
We did a simulation, for the second time recorded. It was scary as normal, but me and a lovely friend in my group were first up recorded, and to be honest, we were ok! Well she was better than me, but I actually said stuff, and even if I do find it hard to pretend it's a real baby, we did good I think! (And that's hard to say I did ok there). Doesn't sound much but I came away feeling a kinda high, more as in 'I did it' than 'I did well' but it's a step in the right direction! Everyone else did so fantastic, so proud of them!
Second thing was a few lectures I was DREADING. So much so I nearly didn't go. One was 'Withdrawel of Treatment' which was so hard, I had to stop myself walking out about six times, and to be entirely honest, if we didn't have to sit in such stupid American style desks, where you had to lift the desk up to stand up in, therefore pushing more attention on yourself, I'd have walked out. I reckon that's why we have desks like that...to prevent people making a show of themselves by walking out mid-lecture.
The others were 'Palliative Care' and 'Breaking Bad News'.
First up 'Palliative Care' was so hard. I could only think of my friend's little girl through the entire lecture. It was so hard. But then this gorgeous girl in my class was talking about things that happened to her, and, to be honest, I've no reason to complain. They're an inspiration. I wish I could be even a tiny bit as strong.
Next 'Breaking Bad News' which I dreaded, not as much as the others, but, I was worried, as, I am stupid I let myself get worked up about it. On this lecture/workshop we had a lecture, then a practical (recorded) which I was so dreading, but you know what? We had fun! God I love those girls in my group! I know it's not anything to laugh about but we're just so comfortable with eachother now, it was fine! Don't know what I was worried about! I think we all did good, wasn't worth worrying about! We had a good giggle, whether it was nerves, doesn't matter. We did it :o)
Ahhhhh it's late, need to try and get SOME sleep tonight! Ohhhh yeah sleep, funny stories I promised....OK, so when I'm stressed I sleep walk/sleep talk/do things in my sleep. So far I've tried to run an IV drip in my sleep (therefore almost pulling my light off my wall...), I've tried to inject my wall, tried to set up a dialysis machine...with my radio alarm cable...those are the 'medical' things! I've also woken up to stacked toiley rolls on my bedroom floor (wtf?), a wide open bedroom window, which is directly under my bed (and so easy to climb out of, I've had my bedroom window locked and the key hidden...) I've woke up with my sock drawer wide open and the contents in my bed, as well as just general scary, sleep walkingness! I know it's due to 'stress' whatever that is, but it's a sure fire way to know I'm feeling the pressure, even if I don't consciously feel it!
Wednesday 3 February 2010
Like A Yo-Yo...
I seem to be up one minute, then really down, then feel up again...like a yo-yo, I think that's how you spell 'yo-yo' anyway!
Today was an OK day, I'm still not sleeping but this morning I was feeling even more knackered than usual, I had a lecture when the guy talked for two hours and, yeah, he's funny but I couldn't concentrate as well as I should be. Luckily we're in late tomorrow so I can *hopefully* have a bit of a lie in, if I can't fall asleep til a ridiculous time again!
It kind of got a bit better later on. We had this simulation thing this afternoon, which was filmed, and I didn't realise it was today as I'd have got myself even more worked up. I know it's daft and I know one of my new years resolutions was to chill out, and I am trying but sometimes I get myself worked up over stupid things. Anyway, we had to do it in pairs and the my friends were really really good (I was so proud!) But then there were a few of us not wanting to do it, I really didn't want to. For two reasons really, 1) Self Conscious and 2)I was worried if I watched it back and saw I was totally crap, I'd lose all of the little confidence I have, so I'd think I'm a crap nurse and leave...or something? It's just really difficult to pretend that this little sim baby/child is a real baby/child, so I can't really take it seriously. I know that sounds daft but it makes sense in my head. OK so anyway, I was absolutely hating to have to do it, but I thought of how much I want to be a nurse, how much I have pushed myself so far, and I'm NOT a quitter. I always said when I started my training that I'd never say 'no' to anything, from going to theatres, taking a BM, doing things that scared me, so I decided to give it a go! Granted I was absolute SHITE. I'm not even joking, I was crap, but at least I gave it a go, I saw that it wasn't as hideously terrifying as I thought and although I couldn't really make myself say that much, I'm chuffed that I even tried, I knew I'd be crap, but I know I'd be more annoyed and frustrated at myself for not even giving it a go. Doesn't sound much to be proud of I know, but I get way to stressed about stuff like this. Next time, yes I did say next time, I will push myself a bit further and hopefully feel a bit better. I can see the logic behind it being a good learing experience, but it's still really uncomfortable and horrible!
So anyway, feeling a tiny bit more positive about things, and realise that all my class and the staff at uni are fab and really supportive, so I'm even luckier to be doing my course at such a good place, maybe, just maybe, I can do this, and maybe that's the first time I've allowed myself to think that.
Now to make a dent in that massive pile of work I've been ignoring...
Today was an OK day, I'm still not sleeping but this morning I was feeling even more knackered than usual, I had a lecture when the guy talked for two hours and, yeah, he's funny but I couldn't concentrate as well as I should be. Luckily we're in late tomorrow so I can *hopefully* have a bit of a lie in, if I can't fall asleep til a ridiculous time again!
It kind of got a bit better later on. We had this simulation thing this afternoon, which was filmed, and I didn't realise it was today as I'd have got myself even more worked up. I know it's daft and I know one of my new years resolutions was to chill out, and I am trying but sometimes I get myself worked up over stupid things. Anyway, we had to do it in pairs and the my friends were really really good (I was so proud!) But then there were a few of us not wanting to do it, I really didn't want to. For two reasons really, 1) Self Conscious and 2)I was worried if I watched it back and saw I was totally crap, I'd lose all of the little confidence I have, so I'd think I'm a crap nurse and leave...or something? It's just really difficult to pretend that this little sim baby/child is a real baby/child, so I can't really take it seriously. I know that sounds daft but it makes sense in my head. OK so anyway, I was absolutely hating to have to do it, but I thought of how much I want to be a nurse, how much I have pushed myself so far, and I'm NOT a quitter. I always said when I started my training that I'd never say 'no' to anything, from going to theatres, taking a BM, doing things that scared me, so I decided to give it a go! Granted I was absolute SHITE. I'm not even joking, I was crap, but at least I gave it a go, I saw that it wasn't as hideously terrifying as I thought and although I couldn't really make myself say that much, I'm chuffed that I even tried, I knew I'd be crap, but I know I'd be more annoyed and frustrated at myself for not even giving it a go. Doesn't sound much to be proud of I know, but I get way to stressed about stuff like this. Next time, yes I did say next time, I will push myself a bit further and hopefully feel a bit better. I can see the logic behind it being a good learing experience, but it's still really uncomfortable and horrible!
So anyway, feeling a tiny bit more positive about things, and realise that all my class and the staff at uni are fab and really supportive, so I'm even luckier to be doing my course at such a good place, maybe, just maybe, I can do this, and maybe that's the first time I've allowed myself to think that.
Now to make a dent in that massive pile of work I've been ignoring...
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