Big Kick In The Teeth

I've just looked at my last blog post and I sounded so happy. Strange how time can change things, when it's only been...weeks?

OK start from the beginning I guess...and this is going to be a LONG blog I think.

Right so as of last blog I was all happy and excited and smiley and loving it. Well...things have changed a bit since then. First off my tutor came to visit and whilst I thought I was going ok, even actually maybe...well? Turns out I'm not and I'm so so so upset about it.

I think the main reason I'm upset it because I don't think the things my mentor said were completely fair. In my Uni we get given a 'traffic light system' GREEN if you're doing ok, AMBER if you need to be given an action plan and contact the practice placements facilitator and a RED if you're majorly failing. I've always managed a green but this time I was nearly given an amber, which I was surprised about as I'd already discussed things. There were 2 reasons for it almost being an amber, 1) I'm too quiet 2) Time Management. First off to forget number 2, I'm always in early, I don't skive, always keep myself busy and offer to do tasks for other nurses when (if!) I find myself going through a quiet half hour on the ward. So I really don't agree with that at all. Whilst I was first upset with it, I'm actually more annoyed with it, due to my mentors 'time management' themself...

Anyway, number 1, ok I can see that I do sometimes need to be more assertive, but to be fair we were talking about 'delegating tasks' to other members of the nursing teams, including sisters, staff nurses and HCA's...I can understand whole heartedly if I was doing this on my 'management' days which I've booked in, but other than that am I really expected to tell others what to do as a STUDENT NURSE?! I mean really. Words fail me. I'm not a noisy bossy person to start with, and you know what, I'm not willing to change for anyone. If I get failed for being 'too quiet' then I will fail knowing that I have been true to myself. Whilst I hope so much I'm not failed, I can't change my personality and ME to get some competencies signed off. That shouldn't be what this placement is about and I feel like I'm going to have this hanging over me til Christmas when I finish and this makes me feel so bad.

I think, if I can speak frankly about things, the stupid little ridiculous things like this are making me fall out of love with nursing. They really are and it makes me so sad. I find myself thinking that a 9-5 job in an office/shop/whatever would be so much better. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not cut out for it. Maybe I'm just not good enough?

So far, so good

Ok, so pretty much 4 weeks into my management placement and so far I can honestly say I'M LOVING IT!!!

It's such a nice ward, everyone is lovely, which is half the battle (trust me!) but I really really love it. I'm learning SO much! I've been given my own patients since about the second week, which I thought would scare me so much, but I've been given the 'nice' (as in easy) patients so far, which I think is my wards way of breaking me in a bit, they're being so nice and it's making me feel like I 'can' do it.

My main fear is drugs, I'm so scared of giving an overdose or not noticing when a doctor has prescribed too much...would I notice? Right at this present moment, to be brutally honest, I don't think I would. I need to have doses for the main drugs imprinted in my brain, maybe at the moment I rely too much on other nurses - I'm hoping I will learn more towards the end of this placement. I mean I can always use the BNF but maybe I should get into the habit of using it to check everytime? Just an idea? As of now I've drawn up the drugs and got two nurses to check before I give it, and whilst I've made NO mistakes, I really do support the 'second checker' rule in paediatrics, cos as a student paeds nurse, you're (unofficially) the first checker, then the other two nurses are checking too so you're kind of protected, in that, the dose has been checked by 3 people.

Apart from that, I really have, for the first time ever, let myself believe that I CAN do this. All though my course and placements so far, I've not allowed myself to think I'm good enough to do it, but this time, I really think I could actually pass and become a nurse. This is my DREAM. To be this close to a dream I've wanted for so long, I am so excited. I know I don't always show it, don't always let the others around me see how happy I'm feeling, I'm able to control my emotions so tightly but I'm gradually learning that it's ok to let people in and that in doing so I can be an even better nurse.

Basically, what can I say? I AM SO HAPPY DOING WHAT I'M DOING! I love it so much. I feel so grateful for being given this chance and I am so proud to be a 'nurse'...or will be officially in a few months. I don't care about the stressful times, I don't care about the working hours, even the responsibility doesn't faze me anymore, I just LOVE what I'm doing and feel so happy to be doing it.

It's the small things, the other day I was feeding a kid who was not feeding too good, and though I got a screaming hissy fit as I carried them to the dining table, and a major tantrum when I put the meal down in front of them...after half an hour of letting the child 'play' (MESSY!) with the food, they grabbed some in their hand and put it in their mouth and ate it...seven times! Doesn't seem like a big deal BUT they ate when they hadn't even tried before. I was so happy! I know I had nothing to do with it but I just felt so happy to have been there.

Anyway I should go, as high as I am with placement and loving it, I need to do some studying, I have to do a lit review and some other report/essay/assignment before the end of this placement and I have no idea when I will get the time...