FRUSTRATED

I can't think of any words that describe how I'm feeling right now, there are too many, annoyed, upset, disappointed, stressed, let down, worried, stupid, and of course frustrated!

FRUSTRATED that I did so much work, did so much preparation, then when it came to a final simulation, I just let myself down by doing so crap.

FRUSTRATED by the fact that still, after all these months, my confidence is at an all time low and I'm trying so hard, I'm just stupid.

FRUSTRATED that I need to tell people how I'm feeling, but can't do it. I talk to my friends a lot more than I used to, and they're fantastic. But I should tell the tutors at Uni when I'm struggling, but even given the opportunity, I just turn red and can't talk. Today I was fighting back the tears and I don't know why, I should just cry in front of everyone, other people do, why can't I?!

FRUSTRATED as I'm seriously considering giving up, no not giving up - taking a break from it all, but don't have the guts. I'd have to come back in to a whole new year group, making new friends and ideally going on a 3 year course instead, but I can't because I'm too stubborn to give in. But is it really worth making myself this unhappy because I'm too stubborn, and love the girls in my group? Are the people in my group really worth putting myself through this? I could make new friends, but I don't want to have to start all over again. And I really LOVE my girls.

And so it is a viscious circle and I'm getting myself all worked up, THEN get even more frustrated at myself because I PROMISED myself I wouldn't get myself in to a state. GRRRRRRR!!!!!

I just went for a nice long walk complete with headphones, to try and de-stress but it hasn't happened. HOW STUPID AM I?!

Start my Critical Care placement on Monday, and I think what I need to over this 3 day weekend, is have a long hard think about what I'm going to do with my life.