Maybe Time For An Update?

I guess it was about time for an update? I think I need to get these thoughts and feelings down, even if I am so tired. Apologies in advance (for anyone who reads this blog, which I think is...nobody!)

OK so placement. I've done my first week. Survived (just). I've kind of learnt stuff, but maybe not nursing stuff, more stuff about intensive care nurses I guess. And I think the most important part I've learnt is that I don't think I'd ever want to be an ICU nurse. Not unless I had a mortgage and that was the only job available...so I won't rule it out (!) but would rule out job satisfaction.

Don't get me wrong, they are lovely people. Friendly, funny, sweet, lovely people. But, if I'm allowed to say, they remind me of theatre staff a little - as in they see the patient as a 'body' and they need to do things to make the 'body' better. I think in ICU it's difficult to see the patient as a person. Today a nurse was doing handover and went in to all sorts of detail about the physical aspects of the conditions, but after she gave her speech, the person taking over asked 'Ok, and what was X like?' to which the nurse had nothing to say. Similar to when a patient is being worked on and their relative is in tears watching, yes, I know they might not have time in an emergency situation, but when it's just routine things, I think they should be explained. Instead I saw how upset they were and asked how they were, yeah, I got a lot of feelings and questions from them, some of which I, as a student, couldn't answer but explained who it was best for them to ask, but even getting them a seat and a glass of water was all I could do, but as least I acknowledged them I guess? Whatever, I think the crux of it is that I prefer my kids to be running around, being cheeky, laughing, giggling, having fun, even if they are ill. I like the banter and cheek of them and I miss the chatter so much more than I thought I would. Ohhhh I could so cry at the prospect of another 7 weeks of this.

Anyway off my high horse. I keep getting days when I'm happy and so glad to be doing this, then others when I'm low and wonder what made me think I could ever do this in the first place. I don't know, maybe in this intense placement it turns over quickly? For example, first day I hated and had to stop myself walking out so many times, seriously counting down the hours, second shift I woke up determined to give it my all and I did...BUT was really patrionised all day and left feeling worse, the next shift the day after I woke up feeling tired and achey and literally peeled myself out of bed...to have a day where I was pretty much left on my own (and had others around me) but coped and felt like, y'know, maybe just maybe I could be an ok nurse? That day we had something come to the ward, which I knew about from a previous placement, and it took all my courage to speak up and say I knew what to do....(SO HARD IN A PLACE OF REAL NURSES) but I said it, and they did it, and it worked...but it took a few times for them to listen to me...which of course ruined my confidence a bit, you know when you're saying stuff and nobody listens? But eventually I spoke up, so I should 'reflect' (haha) on being confident on the stuff I do know well(ish) cos I guess not everybody has the same placement, so not everyone knows the same information?

Anyhoo as a side note I think I might have found the area that I really want to get in to in the future (renal) which might sound boring but it's way more interesting than it sounds! Did you know that kidneys help regulate blood pressure?! Thought not :oP Hehe! But I'm really interested in that side of things, and if I'm honest, if I tell people I'm into 'renal' I get the reaction of, to put bluntly, 'you like piss?'...when really it's so much more than that! It's all fluid balance, weight, clearing the blood of toxins....sooooo much! It's pretty sad cos I keep wanting to read up on it! If I get my first choice for management then I will be SO HAPPY!!!

Better go now, it's late and I've spent both Saturday and Sunday working 13 hour shifts! Not as bad as it sounds but I feel like I've not seen anyone! Also my hands are red raw from washing them a million times a day, I am going to smother them and and my face (dry from the heating on the ward) in cream and sleep!