Time For The Big One...!

Firstly, two things. One I've finished all my uni lectures. We have one week at the end of December which we need to go in for, but it's kinda like a bit of a conference thing I believe. No more teaching lectures. How quick has that gone?! Second, I start my management placement next week...AAAHHHH!!!!! I. Am. Scared. I really don't know where the time has gone and I feel really mixed up about it all. Let me explain. Sometimes I'm feeling so ridiculously happy, just this long placement then I will get to be a real nurse, doing something I absolutely adore AND hopefully will find someone daft enough to give me a job. Sometimes though I feel absolutely terrified, like this is it. I feel nowhere near enough ready, I don't feel prepared. We have to get one competency signed off where you need to manage the ward for a day. Come on, me...manage? I really can't see that happening and I'm already stressing myself out over it. I mean we've had this really big module about leadership and management and I'm really not ashamed to admit that I'm not a leader, sheep all the way! Hmmmm maybe in a couple of years I might feel differently, but at the moment, that's how I feel and I really can't see myself managing a ward, however I'll do like I always do, give it my all and try my best and see how things go.

Today I visited my ward that I'll be doing my final placement on and the people seem lovely, but it seemed really quiet so (not that I want kids to get ill!) but I hope it does get a bit busier. I was wondering the other day if I'd done the right thing by taking a risk and choosing to go to a ward I haven't been on, I could have taken a much safer option on gone somewhere I'd already been but I just wanted to experience as many different types of ward as I could, so I bit the bullet and put done places I'd not done a placement on.

What else? Ohhh the only other thing sepearating me from qualifying is two assignments. One is a literature review which is due in first, and the other is a research proposal (I think...!). I have NO idea how to do a lit review, so I've got some books out and since my first shift isn't til half way through next week, it gives me some time to read about it all and hopefully make a start. It's not due in for aaaaages but I don't want to leave it til the last minute and mstress myself out even more!

Anyhoo I really should get myself organised. Was in Uni today and did simulation with fake baby (of wich I was terrible at, I swear I'm getting even worse!) then of course meeting my new ward straight after Uni, but I really need to sort out so many things, I'm determined to start this placement with a bit of knowledge in the area so wish me luck!

Over The Moon BUT...Shhhh!

Today I went and got that dreaded assignment mark.

I PASSED!!!!

So relieved. Like unbelievably relieved as I was convinced I'd fail.

Not only that, but I actually did ok. Doesn't seem much but I didn't come bottom of the class, quite the opposite. Makes a massive change. Maybe I could be a nurse.

I went today, well was actually going into Uni early but due to my misbehaving car, ended up going in afternoon, and was glad cos I didn't think anyone would be around, so I could pick up my fail and not have to face the embarassement of crying in front on anyone.

Got there, saw someone off my course who'd picked up her results and passed really well, so I went to get mine while she was in the cafe, and when I got them, it was a pretty ok mark and I couldn't speak, shaking and about to cry from relief so all I could do was show her my bit of paper with my mark on, and whilst I know I should be, completely over the moon, all I could do was worry about another girl in our class.

I felt like doing a little dance of celebration that I acutally passed BUT I was worried about the girl in our class AND I am SO sure they have my marks mixed up. I mean there is no other explanation at all. After the initial excitement of doing ok, I've been thinking and I can't have done that well, not at all despite how hard I worked. So I'm just hoping nobody decides to remark and find out my assignment was shit! Fingers crossed!

It's Been A While

So today I planned on writing an update but then I got so busy with stuff, it's only now I'm sitting down, with a nice glass of wine and writing it! Oh well, better late than never I guess...?

Righto what have I been upto? If I'm honest I've been a bit down the past couple of weeks, after the last placement and going back to Uni, I feel like I haven't been myself. Been doubting everything I do and confidence is at an all time low. BUT I'm still here and I'm still trying my best! Just sometimes you know when you feel like you're trying your best, but are actually still absolute crap? We've had to do a few simulation things with sim baby, of which I was shockingly bad, I mean even for me I was crap. We were given a dvd of our performance, and I literally could not find one single thing positive, which in turn made me feel even worse, but I'm trying to seperate these things in that looking after a pretend baby whilst being filmed and actually being on the ward with real kids are a world of difference away, and so being totally crap at one (the sim baby!) doesn't mean I'm rubbish at the other (the real life situations) which I think is an improvement on how I usually reflect on myself as usually I'd be thinking 'I'm so crap at sim baby I AM CRAP AT EVERYTHING!' so it doesn't seem much, but it is for me.

What else? OMG YES I GOT MY FIRST CHOICE FOR MANAGEMENT PLACEMENT! I am SO ridiculously and pathetically excited! There was a time when I'd just done night shift and so when the phone rang at 10am ish I was in bed, and the placement dude rang to say I'd not got any of my choices, which obviously gutted me and made me worry, but then I logged on to evaluate my last placement and therefore find out my management one, and I got first choice! I don't cry much but those tears were relief! I can't wait to get stuck in, I'm worried about having to do some kind of 'leadership' competencies, as I'm really no good at telling people to do stuff...help!

Ooooh and something else exciting, I applied for my first proper nursing job today! Well, to be fair I fully expect not to hear from them. It's for a job in an area that I'd really enjoy I think, but as my tutor said, applying early will give you the chance to experience interviews and that, so it's no bad thing, especially as the job can be held for you until you qualifiy (I think upto 9 months?) but I am not hopeful in hearing anything, as I find it SO hard to try and sell myself in any way, I mean, I'm so rubbish, how can I lie to people who want a good nurse to work for them?! I tried to think of good things, but like I say, really not expecting to hear anything back. The closing date was today so I kind of left it to last minute, which is not good BUT I thought the closing date was yesterday and when I realised the date today I was really gutted that I'd not even applied and so not given myself ANY chance of an interview, but when I realised the closing date was today I felt really happy that I still had a chance, so I added the final touches to my supporting info bit and sent it off, as I'd filled in all the other parts of the application form weeks ago...embarassing that I'm so keen!

Actually, the NHS application system is pretty good, once you register all your details are automatically saved so all you need to do is tailor you supporting info section and hey presto, application made!

Ohhh thinking about the last few weeks, I think it's just as well that I didn't make a post as at one point I was majorly stressed with an essay hanging over me! I might have said things I didn't mean. This is pretty boring but we got given an assignement and assigned a tutor on this assignment, everyone in the group got one of the two tutors who we'd worked with this year, me and this other girl got a tutor we didn't know as well. However, we had a tutorial and she seemed really enthusiastic and helpful, saying we could email her bits of our essay and she'd read it and give tips or suggestions to improve it. Now it wasn't an easy essay, I thought it was just me but after speaking to everyone at the time we were all struggling, so as it was 3 weeks til hand in I thought I'd email the tutor it to see what she thought...no joke, she finally got back the Thursday before the Monday's due in and all she said was it read through ok. I emailed her a few times and even left a voicemail but that was the all feedback I recieved. I know I should be thankful she got back to me as the other girl didn't even get a reply...but it wasn't very helpful, especially when the other girls on my course got really detailed feedback, but still I'm glad for them. I handed it in and it's probably complete shite, but it's in and as long as I get a pass I don't care, which is wrong as I was all geared up to actually do 'well' which is hard for me to believe that I could do ok, but all that fake 'semi-confidence' was shattered due to what happened. Oh whatever, as long as I pass the stupid thing. Like I'm sure I've said before it doesn't take a decent essay writer to make an amazing nurse, but just this once I wanted to prove to myself I could do 'well'.

I think this might be a bit of a long blog! It's been a while, and I know it's totally boring. It might have been ultra depressing but I don't feel that I am, at the moment if I could pick 3 words to describe how I felt it'd be excited, inspired and scared...bit of a mix but mainly positive! Excited that I'm almost finished and will be (hopefully) a NURSE, my absolute dream! Inspired as I have so much to look forward to in my career and I want to do everything and enjoy every second. Scared cos I have to find the confidence from somewhere to be a good nurse, whether I just set myself stupidly high standards (and fail to meet them!) or just because I want to be the best I can (and am not!) I don't know but I find myself feeling scared, which is the brutal honest truth...can I really do this? Actually can I add a fourth word to describe how I'm feeling? Lucky that I get the chance to do something I LOVE so much. I may complain and I may have bad days but I wouldn't change it for the world. And with that I think I'd better go! Night!

ACTUALLY...just before I do go, us girls on my course are having a long weekend away and after totally stressing about the cost and generally feeling a bit down I've thought screw it and am now SO much looking forward to it! I really love the lasses on my course and it's going to be the best holiday ever, I can't wait! Not long to go! SO EXCITED! Literally haven't been on holiday for 10 years, not even in the UK, so we're going somewhere I've always wanted to visit (Lake District...kinda) but I am so excited! Can't wait as these girls are amazing and I am so proud that I can call each and every one of them a friend. Yay!

As Gordon Ramsay would say...DONE

FINALLY finished that placement.

I have never been so relieved. This placement has caused me to doubt myself more than I ever thought was possible. I got so little support and lost all my confidence on so many occasions. I am glad to get out of there.

It's just a complete shame, if the atmosphere was less bitchy, more supportive, less judgemental and just, basically, TOTALLY different, taking away all those bits, it would be a nice ward to work on.

The good parts are working one to one with patients. Getting to know them, their families, their situations...sometimes completely heartbreaking, sometimes heartwarming. I liked how the 'regular' or 'long term' families, had their own little communities, and genuinely cared and helped eachother out. It was really nice to see friendships build between the parents.

Bad points would take forever to list but not one of them was about the children and families. It's all about the staff. I mean, I can understand stressed parents, taking their frustration out on staff, and when that happened I dealt with it better than I thought. But it's when the staff are the way they were, I lose all faith. Doesn't help when I know someone who works there.

Also, mentor dropped the bombshell today as I forced them so sign my book (forced as in they'd done nothing all placement), they've not taken their mentorship update...d'ya know I don't need this. If I find out nothing I've done counts, I will not know what to do.

Screw it, I'll worry later.

For now I am just happy to be away and done with that placement. I will sleep SO well tonight.

Hurry Up 2 Weeks

I really really want the next two weeks to fly by! Can't wait for this placement to be over. I don't hate it as such, but it's so not me. I hit a wall a week or so ago, simply could not face going in, and that's the first time I've called in sick and I thought I'd feel guilty about it but all I felt was relief. Thing is, it was so easy that I really don't want to get into that kind of habit (!) and I felt exactly the same yesterday, but dragged myself in, even if I was having a little cry whilst I was driving there (pathetic I know!)

BUT TWO WEEKS! Come on, I can do that, surely?!

In other news I was told that I hadn't got any of my three choices for management :o( Totally and completely gutted as I was using the idea of getting my first choice as a way to keep on at this placement, now I'm feeling a bit helpless. Still, just not going to think about it, will think about it later!

Ooooh and it's so sunny outside! :o)

A Good Day!

I had a good day today!

I can't believe how much ONE good day can make up for a load of rubbish days. The only reason it was good was because I was working with a lovely lovely nurse and wasn't afraid to ask stupid questions to her, so it was just great and I learnt loads! Really really good day, one of them where it makes you realise why you want to do this job.

Also, was thinking, IF I actually do manage to qualify, find someone stupid enough to employ me, work enough to do mentorship training, pass that, then am actually some day a mentor...I've learnt a lot about what makes a good mentor and what makes a bad mentor...

5 Weeks To Go...

That's only 15 shifts isn't it?

Then why is it dragging SO much? And why does it make me doubt it all? I had my tutor come on her visit on Monday, which was fine, my mentor was lovely and said I was doing ok, which is good I guess? But I so don't feel like I am, I feel way out of my depth. I feel like I shouldn't be doing this. I feel like I'm too stupid to be a nurse and more than that I feel like in my training it's too early to work in intensive care.

I've been thinking a lot about it all and am still really considering everything before I make an important decision about whether to leave or not. I don't know if it's just me, or other student nurses feel this, but, the only thing about placement is that you're so new and fresh and enthusiastic that you want to do well and will go on a shift with the intentions of being the best nurse that you can be. Thing is, or so I've found on this placement, you lose all your eagerness within about an hour and just mooch along like everyone else til it's home time, and I really HATE that. So it's very easy to come away feeling like you've just done nothing. It doedsn't help when someone on your course knows everyone on the ward, so you end up feeling like you'll let them down if you have a shit day. Extra pressure is not good. And if I'm totally honest I'm feeling like I'm cutting myself away from the people on my course, cos somehow I feel like I'm going to be leaving or failing anyway, so why not just distance myself now? This all feels horrible and keeps my awake at night trust me. We're all meant to be going on a holiday, and I've paid my bit, but to be honest I'm thinking of not going and just letting them have fun. They can keep the money, I just think they'll have more fun without me.

Talking of nights. I feel completely ok doing nights. I don't have a sleep during breaks on the ward (mainly due to my sleepwalking...which is becoming a regular occurance) but I really am ok with the whole no sleeping thing. Maybe when this all doesn't work out I'll get a job as a security guard or something, so I won't care about staying up all night?

Sorry for depressing blog, just, finding it all a bit much at the moment and don't know where to write it all down.

For an extra note before I go, I feel like I've been such a horrible person this last week or two. I've been so snappy with the people I love and I've taken out my frustration on them, and they don't deserve it. I feel this is an extra reason to quit the whole nursing thing. Take tonight for example, my Mam asked me something about facebook and whilst I'm dead proud that she's on facebook and that, I was so tired and stressed, I snapped and had a go at her, and she really didn't deserve it, I feel crap and deservedly so. Is nursing worth it? I don't think it is.