It's Been A While

So today I planned on writing an update but then I got so busy with stuff, it's only now I'm sitting down, with a nice glass of wine and writing it! Oh well, better late than never I guess...?

Righto what have I been upto? If I'm honest I've been a bit down the past couple of weeks, after the last placement and going back to Uni, I feel like I haven't been myself. Been doubting everything I do and confidence is at an all time low. BUT I'm still here and I'm still trying my best! Just sometimes you know when you feel like you're trying your best, but are actually still absolute crap? We've had to do a few simulation things with sim baby, of which I was shockingly bad, I mean even for me I was crap. We were given a dvd of our performance, and I literally could not find one single thing positive, which in turn made me feel even worse, but I'm trying to seperate these things in that looking after a pretend baby whilst being filmed and actually being on the ward with real kids are a world of difference away, and so being totally crap at one (the sim baby!) doesn't mean I'm rubbish at the other (the real life situations) which I think is an improvement on how I usually reflect on myself as usually I'd be thinking 'I'm so crap at sim baby I AM CRAP AT EVERYTHING!' so it doesn't seem much, but it is for me.

What else? OMG YES I GOT MY FIRST CHOICE FOR MANAGEMENT PLACEMENT! I am SO ridiculously and pathetically excited! There was a time when I'd just done night shift and so when the phone rang at 10am ish I was in bed, and the placement dude rang to say I'd not got any of my choices, which obviously gutted me and made me worry, but then I logged on to evaluate my last placement and therefore find out my management one, and I got first choice! I don't cry much but those tears were relief! I can't wait to get stuck in, I'm worried about having to do some kind of 'leadership' competencies, as I'm really no good at telling people to do stuff...help!

Ooooh and something else exciting, I applied for my first proper nursing job today! Well, to be fair I fully expect not to hear from them. It's for a job in an area that I'd really enjoy I think, but as my tutor said, applying early will give you the chance to experience interviews and that, so it's no bad thing, especially as the job can be held for you until you qualifiy (I think upto 9 months?) but I am not hopeful in hearing anything, as I find it SO hard to try and sell myself in any way, I mean, I'm so rubbish, how can I lie to people who want a good nurse to work for them?! I tried to think of good things, but like I say, really not expecting to hear anything back. The closing date was today so I kind of left it to last minute, which is not good BUT I thought the closing date was yesterday and when I realised the date today I was really gutted that I'd not even applied and so not given myself ANY chance of an interview, but when I realised the closing date was today I felt really happy that I still had a chance, so I added the final touches to my supporting info bit and sent it off, as I'd filled in all the other parts of the application form weeks ago...embarassing that I'm so keen!

Actually, the NHS application system is pretty good, once you register all your details are automatically saved so all you need to do is tailor you supporting info section and hey presto, application made!

Ohhh thinking about the last few weeks, I think it's just as well that I didn't make a post as at one point I was majorly stressed with an essay hanging over me! I might have said things I didn't mean. This is pretty boring but we got given an assignement and assigned a tutor on this assignment, everyone in the group got one of the two tutors who we'd worked with this year, me and this other girl got a tutor we didn't know as well. However, we had a tutorial and she seemed really enthusiastic and helpful, saying we could email her bits of our essay and she'd read it and give tips or suggestions to improve it. Now it wasn't an easy essay, I thought it was just me but after speaking to everyone at the time we were all struggling, so as it was 3 weeks til hand in I thought I'd email the tutor it to see what she thought...no joke, she finally got back the Thursday before the Monday's due in and all she said was it read through ok. I emailed her a few times and even left a voicemail but that was the all feedback I recieved. I know I should be thankful she got back to me as the other girl didn't even get a reply...but it wasn't very helpful, especially when the other girls on my course got really detailed feedback, but still I'm glad for them. I handed it in and it's probably complete shite, but it's in and as long as I get a pass I don't care, which is wrong as I was all geared up to actually do 'well' which is hard for me to believe that I could do ok, but all that fake 'semi-confidence' was shattered due to what happened. Oh whatever, as long as I pass the stupid thing. Like I'm sure I've said before it doesn't take a decent essay writer to make an amazing nurse, but just this once I wanted to prove to myself I could do 'well'.

I think this might be a bit of a long blog! It's been a while, and I know it's totally boring. It might have been ultra depressing but I don't feel that I am, at the moment if I could pick 3 words to describe how I felt it'd be excited, inspired and scared...bit of a mix but mainly positive! Excited that I'm almost finished and will be (hopefully) a NURSE, my absolute dream! Inspired as I have so much to look forward to in my career and I want to do everything and enjoy every second. Scared cos I have to find the confidence from somewhere to be a good nurse, whether I just set myself stupidly high standards (and fail to meet them!) or just because I want to be the best I can (and am not!) I don't know but I find myself feeling scared, which is the brutal honest truth...can I really do this? Actually can I add a fourth word to describe how I'm feeling? Lucky that I get the chance to do something I LOVE so much. I may complain and I may have bad days but I wouldn't change it for the world. And with that I think I'd better go! Night!

ACTUALLY...just before I do go, us girls on my course are having a long weekend away and after totally stressing about the cost and generally feeling a bit down I've thought screw it and am now SO much looking forward to it! I really love the lasses on my course and it's going to be the best holiday ever, I can't wait! Not long to go! SO EXCITED! Literally haven't been on holiday for 10 years, not even in the UK, so we're going somewhere I've always wanted to visit (Lake District...kinda) but I am so excited! Can't wait as these girls are amazing and I am so proud that I can call each and every one of them a friend. Yay!