5 Weeks To Go...

That's only 15 shifts isn't it?

Then why is it dragging SO much? And why does it make me doubt it all? I had my tutor come on her visit on Monday, which was fine, my mentor was lovely and said I was doing ok, which is good I guess? But I so don't feel like I am, I feel way out of my depth. I feel like I shouldn't be doing this. I feel like I'm too stupid to be a nurse and more than that I feel like in my training it's too early to work in intensive care.

I've been thinking a lot about it all and am still really considering everything before I make an important decision about whether to leave or not. I don't know if it's just me, or other student nurses feel this, but, the only thing about placement is that you're so new and fresh and enthusiastic that you want to do well and will go on a shift with the intentions of being the best nurse that you can be. Thing is, or so I've found on this placement, you lose all your eagerness within about an hour and just mooch along like everyone else til it's home time, and I really HATE that. So it's very easy to come away feeling like you've just done nothing. It doedsn't help when someone on your course knows everyone on the ward, so you end up feeling like you'll let them down if you have a shit day. Extra pressure is not good. And if I'm totally honest I'm feeling like I'm cutting myself away from the people on my course, cos somehow I feel like I'm going to be leaving or failing anyway, so why not just distance myself now? This all feels horrible and keeps my awake at night trust me. We're all meant to be going on a holiday, and I've paid my bit, but to be honest I'm thinking of not going and just letting them have fun. They can keep the money, I just think they'll have more fun without me.

Talking of nights. I feel completely ok doing nights. I don't have a sleep during breaks on the ward (mainly due to my sleepwalking...which is becoming a regular occurance) but I really am ok with the whole no sleeping thing. Maybe when this all doesn't work out I'll get a job as a security guard or something, so I won't care about staying up all night?

Sorry for depressing blog, just, finding it all a bit much at the moment and don't know where to write it all down.

For an extra note before I go, I feel like I've been such a horrible person this last week or two. I've been so snappy with the people I love and I've taken out my frustration on them, and they don't deserve it. I feel this is an extra reason to quit the whole nursing thing. Take tonight for example, my Mam asked me something about facebook and whilst I'm dead proud that she's on facebook and that, I was so tired and stressed, I snapped and had a go at her, and she really didn't deserve it, I feel crap and deservedly so. Is nursing worth it? I don't think it is.