It's my last week at placement this week and I have to say I'm getting mixed feelings about it all!
On one hand I'll be glad to finish, it wasn't the greatest placement but not because of the ward or the people but just cos of me, doubting myself and second guessing everything I did. On the other hand there is a really big part of me that will be sad to finish, all the staff are lovely and it's a difficult ward to get used to, and now that I'm beginning to feel as though I'm getting into the swing of things, I've got to leave! Actually I think I'll be a lot more sad than glad to finish :o( Ahh well, that's student life for you!
Thinking about it, I feel a bit like I can't let myself relax on this placement, and that is simply because I'm beginning to feel a bit stressed with the fact that I have SO much work to do, it's ridiculous. I've got an essay and an exam to revise for, all happening in the 3 weeks at Uni between this placement and the next one. I think I feel like I'm maybe seeing this placement as something I need to do and be over with, before I can really get stuck in to the work I need to do. That's not to say I haven't tried to do work, but, at the moment my priority is this placement, and so as a result I've been putting off doing work. It's hard to juggle time when you're at work 4 long days a week, and need to find a couple of days off in a row to get really into the work. I'm thinking (and hoping!) that once this placement is done, I will be able to really get on with the work I need to do. It's a bit like when you're at work and you're counting down to a holiday, whilst you're still enjoying work you want it to be over soon so you can go on holiday...if that makes sense? Only I'm not going on holiday, I'm going back to Uni, which sucks.
As for next week, I'm doing something either brave or ridicuously stupid. I asked to spend a day on an oncology ward, which is the area of nursing that upsets me most. I'd been thinking, and if I don't take a step towards hardening myself up against this kind of tihng, then I won't make a good nurse. I want to be able to look after all kids, including those with cancer, and if I get upset too easily, then I won't be giving the best possible care, so I'm hoping that this will help. Well that's my theory anyway.
I'll wrap this up, it's a short little post so makes a change from my usual blabbering rubbish! I've been doing long division all weekend, in a hopeless attempt to learn to do drug calculations, and I needed a break from numbers so I thought I'd make a blog post!
Sunday, 11 October 2009
Saturday, 26 September 2009
Mahoosive Blog Entry
Righto, this is probably going to be a massive entry, so you have been warned! I think it's going to be a mish-mash of how I'm feeling and how things are going so I'll apologise in advance if it makes no sense whatsoever.
So, ok, I've been having a rough patch. Or should that be another rough patch? I'll try and explain, as, basically it's all my fault and if I'm honest I'm feeling so stupid about it all. This is in an attempt to explain the negative-ness of my last post and how things are right now.
It started with a rubbish day, one Saturday. I seemed to be working with all the difficult patients, ones that aren't straight forward and ones that I can't really 'fix'. I was having a bit of a hard day, which kept going wrong and was making be feel...shit basically. Then I had a patient in to get some blood pressure readings, and I was asked to take their BP, which is fine but that is literally the one thing I struggle with SO much. I've previously spoke to my mentor about how I needed to clinch this BP thing, and she's sent me to do loads, bless her, she's tried to make me feel better about it by getting me practice, practice, practice! So anyway, trying to be positive I'm thinking 'ok, it's just more practice' so I tried to take this blood pressure, when the scary mother was telling me I was doing it all wrong, I wasn't putting the cuff on properly, I was useless...basically she was scary and had found the part that I was least confident in. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset me of make me lose even more of my little confidence, but, well she did. :o( It really doesn't take much these days. And I feel SO sure I *was* doing it right, but when there is a scary woman telling you you're not, no matter how little medical training she might have had, I still stress like an idiot! Ended up getting a proper nurse to do it. Hmmm.
To top the day off we had oncology patients in too. I looked after one who had cancer (hate that word) twice when he was younger, and was given the 5 year all clear at Christmas, and 5 year all clear is meant to be great, but he was back as he'd been diagnosed again, and I just felt SO ridiculously sorry for him. His mam was saying how hopeful she was when he'd been cancer free for 5 years, then to be diagnosed again she was inconsoleable. Actually maybe I shouldn't chat to families so much and ask so many questions, as it really does give you an insider snippet to their lives and sometimes that's just so hard for them. After that, I saw this little girl, about 5 or 6, who I wasn't looking after, scream the place down as she didn't want to be here, and she was in a pretty little white dress, with a hair band on and no hair, and oh my god, it literally nearly broke my heart. I almost walked then. It was just so unfair for her.
So anyhoo, I was off Sunday, then back in Monday, and to be fair, looking back, it was a bad day. You know one of those days when nothing goes right? I remember thinking loads of little things were going wrong, but I couldn't tell you what they were, maybe it was just ME feeling like I was doing everything wrong when in fact I wasn't being a crap as I felt I was? Or maybe I was just being useless? After everthign was going wrong, the icing on the cake was when I was meant to be going somewhere else in the hospital to watch a scan, and basically, my spatial awareness is crap and I get lost, so I got lost, then found the place I was meant to be, but got there too late so missed the scans and was told to come back another day, and that, ridiculous as it was, was the straw that broke the camels back, as it were, as I found myself waiting at the lifts for one to come down, and just crying like an idiot...AND I DON'T CRY!!! Literally had to wait for 3 lifts to come up and down too. But it was just too much. I managed to finish my shift even if it did mean I escape to the toilet a few times for a cry, and managed not to cry in front of anyone, as that is my greatest phobia, I can't cry in front of others, it makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I don't know if that's daft but I just can't show that much emotion to others.
That night I was feeling so crap, so pathetic and so ridiculous, so I decided to email my tutor to ask about other courses at Uni which would allow me to still become a nurse but only not as quickly. I really do feel that the accellerated course is just TOO much for someone as useless as me. My tutor rang the following day to say she'd come and visit BUT at that point I'd managed to put myself out there and have a chat to my mentor, which I wouldn't normally do so I felt a bit better at overcoming a little barrier. I told my mentor that I was really doubting everything, that I wasn't doubting my need/want to be a nurse as I absolutely loved what I was doing, but more doubting my ability to be a good nurse. I have to say I am so lucky as my mentor was ABSOLUTELY brilliant, she was amazing, she decided that we needed to make an action plan about what I needed to do to make things better and make me a better student nurse, and we wrote it all down, and I went home that night feeling SO much better, I was so much happier and it was all down to having such a fabulous mentor!
Fast forward to when my tutor came to visit, and it ended up me feeling like crap again. I felt worse after she left, not better. I know it wasn't because of my tutor as she's lovely, I feel like it's my fault and that I should have talked to my mentor first, and not bothered my uni tutor. I regret SO much that I sent her an email when I was stressed, tired, emotional and fed up. I just seriously didn't know who else to email, when I should have just not reached out for help and got on with it, which is what I normally do. Lesson learnt.
So anyway after my tutor visited, I realised that I needed to learn to open up more and talk to my friends. This is hard because I always feel like people who are my friends are just friends cos they feel sorry for me. BUT I text the people on my course (all 8 of them haha! Small group!) asking if anyone was free to just chat the next day, some were on shift and some could chat, but it was so sweet that they even replied to me, so I felt like maybe (just maybe) I wasn't a waste of space. Anyhoo, met up with two of them and they were just SO lovely. I was so happy that people cared enough to reply to my text, but to even take the time out to come and talk things through with me...amazing. Maybe I'm not as shite as I think I am...maybe.
To wrap things up, for my last few shifts, I feel like I've turned a corner. I feel as if I really have made more effort with the relationships between me and the other staff. I know, hand on heart, I've ALWAYS done my best with patient-student nurse relationship, but I'm beginning to realise the I've maybe neglected the student nurse-staff nurse/doctor/nursery nurse/everyone else role a bit, as in, I've always thought that I'm the bottom of the bottom and I don't deserve to even talk to these people, when maybe (and just maybe) I might deserve to talk to them? Maybe not. But I'm learning now that if I at least try, it should work better and I won't feel as rubbish. Also I heard from someone that I seem to 'know' everyone from my previous ward placement and (this is HARD to say but I'll type it quickly so it doesn't matter!) so I must have been noticed for good reasons, by all people from ward clerks and cleaners to doctors and other nurses...ohhh that felt so wrong trying to make out that I have any importance!
So anyway, I have my tutor visiting on Monday and I'm ridiculously scared, I just feel like I'm wasting her time, and everyone elses. I've decided for sure that I'm staying on this course (if they'll let me! I'm SO scared I'm gonna be kicked off or something) and I acknowledge my weaknesses and what I need to work on to be the best nurse that I can. I was thinking of trying to change to a 3 year course, but, sad as it sounds, I just keep thinking of the day I got the letter to say I had a place on this course, and how I was so stupidly happy and actually cried, then packed my job in the very next day, and how much I LOVE what I'm doing, and how I LOVE the placements! I love this placement SO much, I look forward to shifts and I like helping people who need help, the only thing I really have to fix is ME. I need to be more confident, yes, I know that, but it's impossible to fix that overnight. I need to work on that, and I will do.
It would be the biggest regret to fail in a 'job' that I LOVE more than anything I've ever loved, because I don't have the confidence. Now that would be the biggest shame in the world so I won't let it happen, I'll fight all the way. I just feel so lucky that I've found something I love, not many people can say they enjoy their work can they?
Anyway it's time I finished this post, basically I've typed everything that is going on in my head, and sometimes I check my posts through to spelling mistakes and all that but tonight I'm not because I just want to put all these thoughts out there so they're no longer in my head and hopefully I will have the best nights sleep ever tonight!
I don't expect anyone to even read this, it's more for me, and it feels pretty good to get it all down in words, I'm sure there is a nursing term for this....REFLECTION!
Night all xxx
So, ok, I've been having a rough patch. Or should that be another rough patch? I'll try and explain, as, basically it's all my fault and if I'm honest I'm feeling so stupid about it all. This is in an attempt to explain the negative-ness of my last post and how things are right now.
It started with a rubbish day, one Saturday. I seemed to be working with all the difficult patients, ones that aren't straight forward and ones that I can't really 'fix'. I was having a bit of a hard day, which kept going wrong and was making be feel...shit basically. Then I had a patient in to get some blood pressure readings, and I was asked to take their BP, which is fine but that is literally the one thing I struggle with SO much. I've previously spoke to my mentor about how I needed to clinch this BP thing, and she's sent me to do loads, bless her, she's tried to make me feel better about it by getting me practice, practice, practice! So anyway, trying to be positive I'm thinking 'ok, it's just more practice' so I tried to take this blood pressure, when the scary mother was telling me I was doing it all wrong, I wasn't putting the cuff on properly, I was useless...basically she was scary and had found the part that I was least confident in. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset me of make me lose even more of my little confidence, but, well she did. :o( It really doesn't take much these days. And I feel SO sure I *was* doing it right, but when there is a scary woman telling you you're not, no matter how little medical training she might have had, I still stress like an idiot! Ended up getting a proper nurse to do it. Hmmm.
To top the day off we had oncology patients in too. I looked after one who had cancer (hate that word) twice when he was younger, and was given the 5 year all clear at Christmas, and 5 year all clear is meant to be great, but he was back as he'd been diagnosed again, and I just felt SO ridiculously sorry for him. His mam was saying how hopeful she was when he'd been cancer free for 5 years, then to be diagnosed again she was inconsoleable. Actually maybe I shouldn't chat to families so much and ask so many questions, as it really does give you an insider snippet to their lives and sometimes that's just so hard for them. After that, I saw this little girl, about 5 or 6, who I wasn't looking after, scream the place down as she didn't want to be here, and she was in a pretty little white dress, with a hair band on and no hair, and oh my god, it literally nearly broke my heart. I almost walked then. It was just so unfair for her.
So anyhoo, I was off Sunday, then back in Monday, and to be fair, looking back, it was a bad day. You know one of those days when nothing goes right? I remember thinking loads of little things were going wrong, but I couldn't tell you what they were, maybe it was just ME feeling like I was doing everything wrong when in fact I wasn't being a crap as I felt I was? Or maybe I was just being useless? After everthign was going wrong, the icing on the cake was when I was meant to be going somewhere else in the hospital to watch a scan, and basically, my spatial awareness is crap and I get lost, so I got lost, then found the place I was meant to be, but got there too late so missed the scans and was told to come back another day, and that, ridiculous as it was, was the straw that broke the camels back, as it were, as I found myself waiting at the lifts for one to come down, and just crying like an idiot...AND I DON'T CRY!!! Literally had to wait for 3 lifts to come up and down too. But it was just too much. I managed to finish my shift even if it did mean I escape to the toilet a few times for a cry, and managed not to cry in front of anyone, as that is my greatest phobia, I can't cry in front of others, it makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I don't know if that's daft but I just can't show that much emotion to others.
That night I was feeling so crap, so pathetic and so ridiculous, so I decided to email my tutor to ask about other courses at Uni which would allow me to still become a nurse but only not as quickly. I really do feel that the accellerated course is just TOO much for someone as useless as me. My tutor rang the following day to say she'd come and visit BUT at that point I'd managed to put myself out there and have a chat to my mentor, which I wouldn't normally do so I felt a bit better at overcoming a little barrier. I told my mentor that I was really doubting everything, that I wasn't doubting my need/want to be a nurse as I absolutely loved what I was doing, but more doubting my ability to be a good nurse. I have to say I am so lucky as my mentor was ABSOLUTELY brilliant, she was amazing, she decided that we needed to make an action plan about what I needed to do to make things better and make me a better student nurse, and we wrote it all down, and I went home that night feeling SO much better, I was so much happier and it was all down to having such a fabulous mentor!
Fast forward to when my tutor came to visit, and it ended up me feeling like crap again. I felt worse after she left, not better. I know it wasn't because of my tutor as she's lovely, I feel like it's my fault and that I should have talked to my mentor first, and not bothered my uni tutor. I regret SO much that I sent her an email when I was stressed, tired, emotional and fed up. I just seriously didn't know who else to email, when I should have just not reached out for help and got on with it, which is what I normally do. Lesson learnt.
So anyway after my tutor visited, I realised that I needed to learn to open up more and talk to my friends. This is hard because I always feel like people who are my friends are just friends cos they feel sorry for me. BUT I text the people on my course (all 8 of them haha! Small group!) asking if anyone was free to just chat the next day, some were on shift and some could chat, but it was so sweet that they even replied to me, so I felt like maybe (just maybe) I wasn't a waste of space. Anyhoo, met up with two of them and they were just SO lovely. I was so happy that people cared enough to reply to my text, but to even take the time out to come and talk things through with me...amazing. Maybe I'm not as shite as I think I am...maybe.
To wrap things up, for my last few shifts, I feel like I've turned a corner. I feel as if I really have made more effort with the relationships between me and the other staff. I know, hand on heart, I've ALWAYS done my best with patient-student nurse relationship, but I'm beginning to realise the I've maybe neglected the student nurse-staff nurse/doctor/nursery nurse/everyone else role a bit, as in, I've always thought that I'm the bottom of the bottom and I don't deserve to even talk to these people, when maybe (and just maybe) I might deserve to talk to them? Maybe not. But I'm learning now that if I at least try, it should work better and I won't feel as rubbish. Also I heard from someone that I seem to 'know' everyone from my previous ward placement and (this is HARD to say but I'll type it quickly so it doesn't matter!) so I must have been noticed for good reasons, by all people from ward clerks and cleaners to doctors and other nurses...ohhh that felt so wrong trying to make out that I have any importance!
So anyway, I have my tutor visiting on Monday and I'm ridiculously scared, I just feel like I'm wasting her time, and everyone elses. I've decided for sure that I'm staying on this course (if they'll let me! I'm SO scared I'm gonna be kicked off or something) and I acknowledge my weaknesses and what I need to work on to be the best nurse that I can. I was thinking of trying to change to a 3 year course, but, sad as it sounds, I just keep thinking of the day I got the letter to say I had a place on this course, and how I was so stupidly happy and actually cried, then packed my job in the very next day, and how much I LOVE what I'm doing, and how I LOVE the placements! I love this placement SO much, I look forward to shifts and I like helping people who need help, the only thing I really have to fix is ME. I need to be more confident, yes, I know that, but it's impossible to fix that overnight. I need to work on that, and I will do.
It would be the biggest regret to fail in a 'job' that I LOVE more than anything I've ever loved, because I don't have the confidence. Now that would be the biggest shame in the world so I won't let it happen, I'll fight all the way. I just feel so lucky that I've found something I love, not many people can say they enjoy their work can they?
Anyway it's time I finished this post, basically I've typed everything that is going on in my head, and sometimes I check my posts through to spelling mistakes and all that but tonight I'm not because I just want to put all these thoughts out there so they're no longer in my head and hopefully I will have the best nights sleep ever tonight!
I don't expect anyone to even read this, it's more for me, and it feels pretty good to get it all down in words, I'm sure there is a nursing term for this....REFLECTION!
Night all xxx
Monday, 21 September 2009
Break?
So, for the 'make or break'...could be break.
I've been trying SO hard to make this placement make me feel like I was doing ok. But facing facts, I'm not.
The shift on Saturday was SO hard, with oncology patients, and today was just horrible. I had to stop myself from crying six or seven times. I really DON'T cry. But today trying to stop the tears, it wasn't just an 'I might cry' it was more of a 'I'm going to cry, I have to keep swallowing to stop the tears from coming or look somewhere else where nobody will notice the tears in my eyes' which is actually really hard work. And for me, pathetic. In the end, I was meant to go somewhere to see a scan, for which I got lost and missed out on, then I was waiting at the lifts which took forever (just to annoy me, of course) and I was literally choking back tears, I nearly phoned my tutor then but I thought I'd get in trouble for having a phone on me. I really don't know how I got to the end of my shift to be honest. But I got my metro and tried so hard to not cry, then again driving home I was trying not to cry as it'd make everything blurry. I only really cried when I was in the shower, washing my day away. Then I just had to be ok again.
What the hell is wrong with me?! It's either just being so unhappy, disappointed and sad, or hormonal. I hope it's the latter. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I should get a job with no responsibility. Even though I hated shop work and office work before, maybe that's all I can do and nursing is just too much for someone like me.
I've been trying SO hard to make this placement make me feel like I was doing ok. But facing facts, I'm not.
The shift on Saturday was SO hard, with oncology patients, and today was just horrible. I had to stop myself from crying six or seven times. I really DON'T cry. But today trying to stop the tears, it wasn't just an 'I might cry' it was more of a 'I'm going to cry, I have to keep swallowing to stop the tears from coming or look somewhere else where nobody will notice the tears in my eyes' which is actually really hard work. And for me, pathetic. In the end, I was meant to go somewhere to see a scan, for which I got lost and missed out on, then I was waiting at the lifts which took forever (just to annoy me, of course) and I was literally choking back tears, I nearly phoned my tutor then but I thought I'd get in trouble for having a phone on me. I really don't know how I got to the end of my shift to be honest. But I got my metro and tried so hard to not cry, then again driving home I was trying not to cry as it'd make everything blurry. I only really cried when I was in the shower, washing my day away. Then I just had to be ok again.
What the hell is wrong with me?! It's either just being so unhappy, disappointed and sad, or hormonal. I hope it's the latter. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I should get a job with no responsibility. Even though I hated shop work and office work before, maybe that's all I can do and nursing is just too much for someone like me.
Monday, 7 September 2009
Nerves Are Kicking In
I start my new placment tomorrrow and I am SO SCARED!!! It's ridiculous! I think I'm putting the pressure on, it's make or break basically. My last placement wasn't the greatest and I thought that was because I had a lot going on at the same time BUT what if it's just because I'm a rubbish nurse?! I'm pinning so much on this placement being good that I've not actually stopped to think it might not be the placements, it might be ME being rubbish.
Ohhhhh I am soooo nervous! I wish it was the end of tomorrow so I'd know how I felt! PLEASE LET IT BE A GOOD PLACEMENT!!!
Oh and I tried to break in my new shoes and ended up ripping my feet to shreds. This is not good as it now means that I'm starting a new placement feeling scared, with a bad back and with the worlds biggest blisters on both feet. Still, it could be worse...!
Ohhhhh I am soooo nervous! I wish it was the end of tomorrow so I'd know how I felt! PLEASE LET IT BE A GOOD PLACEMENT!!!
Oh and I tried to break in my new shoes and ended up ripping my feet to shreds. This is not good as it now means that I'm starting a new placement feeling scared, with a bad back and with the worlds biggest blisters on both feet. Still, it could be worse...!
Saturday, 15 August 2009
Foundation Year...DONE!
I can't believe my foundation year is over! It's not strictly a year with me doing an accelerated course BUT is still feels like yesterday that I was worrying about my first day at Uni! I can't believe two placements are over and that I go in to 'branch' in September! Well actually I'm off for four weeks (YES!) have a six week placement, three weeks at Uni, six week placement then CHRISTMAS! Oh, as well as fitting in an assignment and a four hour exam (fun!) but then I will be officially half way through my course. Scary stuff!
Anyhoo I have had one week out of my four off and all I have done is work. No kidding! I feel loads better though as I was feeling as though I was really behind (mainly cos I was!) and I still feel that I'm the class dunce (cos I am!) but I feel better for being proactive and trying to work hard at catching up. Actually, I've wrote so many notes this last week I think I've done my arm in, seriously, I can't change gear properly when I'm driving as it's really sore, and even my back hurts! Oh well, it'll be worth it when I get a load of work done! I've given myself the weekend off, well that's not strictly true as I'm researching stuff for my assignment on the internet but that doesn't involve writing! We have to do our assignment on a childhood chronic condition and I'm thinking of taking a big step and doing it on a type of cancer, which is something I don't like thinking about in terms of kids, but feel that maybe I should over come that? Anyway, I've barely even started it so that might change!
What else has been going on? Ohhhh yes! We had a course night out the other week and it was so fantastic! The girls are so fabulous and lovely and I feel so lucky right now, to be doing a course I love with people who I love! Ahh I'm so soppy! Sometimes though, even now, I keep expecting the Uni to realise they've made a mistake when they sent my letter offering me a place, and maybe telling me to leave! I know it's daft but I still can't believe how lucky I was getting a place!
Righto I'd better be off, still need to get some work done, I'm here searching for journals whilst listening to good music and enjoying a nice glss of wine :o) Life is good!
Anyhoo I have had one week out of my four off and all I have done is work. No kidding! I feel loads better though as I was feeling as though I was really behind (mainly cos I was!) and I still feel that I'm the class dunce (cos I am!) but I feel better for being proactive and trying to work hard at catching up. Actually, I've wrote so many notes this last week I think I've done my arm in, seriously, I can't change gear properly when I'm driving as it's really sore, and even my back hurts! Oh well, it'll be worth it when I get a load of work done! I've given myself the weekend off, well that's not strictly true as I'm researching stuff for my assignment on the internet but that doesn't involve writing! We have to do our assignment on a childhood chronic condition and I'm thinking of taking a big step and doing it on a type of cancer, which is something I don't like thinking about in terms of kids, but feel that maybe I should over come that? Anyway, I've barely even started it so that might change!
What else has been going on? Ohhhh yes! We had a course night out the other week and it was so fantastic! The girls are so fabulous and lovely and I feel so lucky right now, to be doing a course I love with people who I love! Ahh I'm so soppy! Sometimes though, even now, I keep expecting the Uni to realise they've made a mistake when they sent my letter offering me a place, and maybe telling me to leave! I know it's daft but I still can't believe how lucky I was getting a place!
Righto I'd better be off, still need to get some work done, I'm here searching for journals whilst listening to good music and enjoying a nice glss of wine :o) Life is good!
Saturday, 4 July 2009
Finally
I think I'm finally turning a corner.
I'm not feeling so low anymore. I was seriously considering leaving this course, but I'm not a quitter and I don't know what I was thinking, someone needed to slap some sense in me. I don't know if it's because my placement finished yesterday (finally!!!) or because I've managed to get a bit of work done, or because I've found out my next placement or because I finally got a half decent nights sleep or just because I'm feeling a bit like I've got rid of some of the load I've been carrying round?
I'm not the most confident person as it is and this placement and all that has happened has just stripped away all of the little confidence I had but I logged on to the placement thing today and found my next one and my tummy did a little flip, as in a 'woo hoo a nursing placement!' type thing so that must be the nurse in me, maybe I won't make such a terrible nurse?
Anyway, I'm finally getting there, turning a corner and (hopefully) looking forward to going back to Uni next week. All I need to do now is fix my essay, memorise my speech for the presentation, do some more work for another presentation...not much then!
I'm not feeling so low anymore. I was seriously considering leaving this course, but I'm not a quitter and I don't know what I was thinking, someone needed to slap some sense in me. I don't know if it's because my placement finished yesterday (finally!!!) or because I've managed to get a bit of work done, or because I've found out my next placement or because I finally got a half decent nights sleep or just because I'm feeling a bit like I've got rid of some of the load I've been carrying round?
I'm not the most confident person as it is and this placement and all that has happened has just stripped away all of the little confidence I had but I logged on to the placement thing today and found my next one and my tummy did a little flip, as in a 'woo hoo a nursing placement!' type thing so that must be the nurse in me, maybe I won't make such a terrible nurse?
Anyway, I'm finally getting there, turning a corner and (hopefully) looking forward to going back to Uni next week. All I need to do now is fix my essay, memorise my speech for the presentation, do some more work for another presentation...not much then!
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
A Whole New Placement
OK, so, apologies for the lack of blog! I’ve been ridiculously busy! I’m so stressed but more about that later.
I’m on my community placement at the moment, nearly almost half way though and whilst I wouldn’t say I hated it…it’s not ‘me’. I’m not sure whether it’s because I loved my first placement so much that maybe I went in thinking I wouldn’t really like it as much, or whether it’s just not what I expected? Firstly, my mentor is absolutely lovely, she’s fab and we got on really well and she totally knows her stuff. I just feel like I’m not doing what I want to do, and actually my comment just now about going into it thinking I wouldn’t like it isn’t true, I went in thinking I’d give it my best, and I am, but I’m not getting all that much satisfaction out of it, I don’t feel ‘hands on’ I feel like an observer and in the way all the time. I mean I play with the kids and stuff, but it’s just not the same, and the days are d-r-a-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-i-n-g so slowly.
I don’t know if it’s just me, or the placement, or the amount of work I need to do (and which I’m too thick to do), but I’m just feeling really overwhelmed by it all and don’t know what I should do. I’m just feeling like I’m going to be a really crap nurse, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t cry. Ever. But feel it at the moment. Plus there are some other things I have on top of this that I’m just getting stressed at. It’s like I just want this placement to be over so I have one less thing to worry about. PLEASE make the next few weeks fly by!!!
Anyway, sorry if this isn’t my usual happy post but I needed somewhere to write all this down. And maybe I need a good sleep. I’m finding it really hard to sleep at the moment, still there are plenty of people worse off I should just shut up and stop complaining. I’m on a course where I can learn to do a job which I am going to LOVE and I’m just having a bumpy patch at the moment. It will all be worth while, I just need to smile!
I’m on my community placement at the moment, nearly almost half way though and whilst I wouldn’t say I hated it…it’s not ‘me’. I’m not sure whether it’s because I loved my first placement so much that maybe I went in thinking I wouldn’t really like it as much, or whether it’s just not what I expected? Firstly, my mentor is absolutely lovely, she’s fab and we got on really well and she totally knows her stuff. I just feel like I’m not doing what I want to do, and actually my comment just now about going into it thinking I wouldn’t like it isn’t true, I went in thinking I’d give it my best, and I am, but I’m not getting all that much satisfaction out of it, I don’t feel ‘hands on’ I feel like an observer and in the way all the time. I mean I play with the kids and stuff, but it’s just not the same, and the days are d-r-a-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-i-n-g so slowly.
I don’t know if it’s just me, or the placement, or the amount of work I need to do (and which I’m too thick to do), but I’m just feeling really overwhelmed by it all and don’t know what I should do. I’m just feeling like I’m going to be a really crap nurse, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t cry. Ever. But feel it at the moment. Plus there are some other things I have on top of this that I’m just getting stressed at. It’s like I just want this placement to be over so I have one less thing to worry about. PLEASE make the next few weeks fly by!!!
Anyway, sorry if this isn’t my usual happy post but I needed somewhere to write all this down. And maybe I need a good sleep. I’m finding it really hard to sleep at the moment, still there are plenty of people worse off I should just shut up and stop complaining. I’m on a course where I can learn to do a job which I am going to LOVE and I’m just having a bumpy patch at the moment. It will all be worth while, I just need to smile!
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