Break?

So, for the 'make or break'...could be break.

I've been trying SO hard to make this placement make me feel like I was doing ok. But facing facts, I'm not.

The shift on Saturday was SO hard, with oncology patients, and today was just horrible. I had to stop myself from crying six or seven times. I really DON'T cry. But today trying to stop the tears, it wasn't just an 'I might cry' it was more of a 'I'm going to cry, I have to keep swallowing to stop the tears from coming or look somewhere else where nobody will notice the tears in my eyes' which is actually really hard work. And for me, pathetic. In the end, I was meant to go somewhere to see a scan, for which I got lost and missed out on, then I was waiting at the lifts which took forever (just to annoy me, of course) and I was literally choking back tears, I nearly phoned my tutor then but I thought I'd get in trouble for having a phone on me. I really don't know how I got to the end of my shift to be honest. But I got my metro and tried so hard to not cry, then again driving home I was trying not to cry as it'd make everything blurry. I only really cried when I was in the shower, washing my day away. Then I just had to be ok again.

What the hell is wrong with me?! It's either just being so unhappy, disappointed and sad, or hormonal. I hope it's the latter. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I should get a job with no responsibility. Even though I hated shop work and office work before, maybe that's all I can do and nursing is just too much for someone like me.