Still Smiling...Just!

I went to my exam. I almost didn't go. I had a major panic and ended up going to see my tutor the day before just to let her know that I wasn't going to turn up. I feel soooo daft about it now but hand on heart, I felt adamant that I would be wasting my time by going as I simply am not clever enough. My tutor was amazing though, from what I can remember her saying (I was in a bit of a state by this point!) She was lovely.

So anyway, I went, it took everything in me to go, which sounds ridiculous as it is JUST AN EXAM. I know, but four hours sitting in a room, with not a clue as to what you're doing is pretty tough going, and if I'm honest I was getting myself so worked up, I was getting palpitations for about a week before, and at the start of the exam I was breathing like an idiot I was going dizzy and could barely remember my own name, let alone anything else.

Before you say it, I'm a stupid idiot, I KNOW!!!

BUT I did it! As one of my friend in my tutor group said, it was 'horrendous' and I could not actually think of a better word for it myself, so I'll steal hers. It sums it up perfectly. I know it sounds horrible, but a lot of the other people found it harder than they were expecting, and if I was the only one I'd feel more worried. That said, I would so much rather for them that they all found it easy, as then they'd pass with flying colours!

Anyhoo, preparing myself for the resit cos there is no way in this world that I have scraped a pass. Honestly. It's strange though cos, at the moment I'm feeling a bit more calm, so when I need to retake it I'm hoping I'll still feel calm. It's a bit like a driving test, when you're doing your first one you're so stressed about the fear of it all, that you make stupid mistake, well I did anyway...so I'm hoping the resit will be less stressful as it's not fear of the unknown, if that makes sense? That said I did take 6 attempts to pass my driving test, and I'm only allowed one resit, so I hope I can pull myself together in time!

For other news, I started a new placement today and as much as I am trying not to judge it all now, I do admit, I feel a bit let down. It's such a slow ward, with two patients and two nurses (and two student nurses!) that it seems like there is nothing to do. I was so bored today I volunteered to clean stuff. I know that's an important role of a nurse, infection control, but I really really am so desperate to be hands on and DO STUFF!!! I will go crazy if I can't at least feel like I'm getting better, if it continues this way it will feel like a step backward, and I'm determined not to do that as I'd just let myself down, so I will FIGHT to make things better! I'll volunteer to do anything! Actually, it was only my first day so I'm sure things will improve, but the other student on the ward is a friend, and we had so much time to talk about stuff today (as there was no work to be done...) that I think we might have thought about things too much? Anyway, will try harder not be too quick to judge and will get as much as I can out of this placement! I'm trying to be positive, so that's what I'm doing! PLus everyone there is really nice, so I'm sure there is a lot to be learnt on this ward, so I will just keep smiling :o)