Long Overdue Update!

I cant believe I haven’t updated my blog at all this YEAR!  Shocking!  I’ve just been so busy, work seems to never stop and I never seem to get any time to myself to chill.  I really must learn to put holidays in.  Well, I had a week away in London in March, which I desperately needed, but apart from that it’s been non stop.

So, where to start.  Guess I could start with right now and then work my way backwards?  Not the usual way to go about things, but I think that by thinking about how I’m feeling now, than going back over to work out why I’m feeling like this, seems like a good idea?

OK, so right now, I am feeling really stressed, really unsettled, and doubting everything I am doing.  Not the most positive start to my blog I guess.  I’ve always struggled with self confidence, I still feel now that I don’t know anywhere near enough about anything, and sometimes the ward I’m on doesn’t help the situation.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the people I work with, so so much, I really do.  But sometimes the management of it all, puts people under so much stress, its just too much.  We’ve had some new starters, one of which has left already.  But as well as that, having more new starters means if I was working with them on a nightshift, I’d be in charge, which is something I really don’t feel anywhere near ready enough for, but being so short staffed and having bank nurses too, we don’t really get the choice.  We’re also getting loads of patients which are not our speciality which means that I feel as though I’m not doing my best.  I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had to pull over on the drive home from work to cry, cos I feel like I’ve not done a good enough job. 

When I got this job I was completely over the moon, being given the chance to do something which I know I love.  It just feels lately that I’m getting more and more worked up, it’s a constant pressure, and whilst I try my best, I feel like I’m not making any difference.  If our ward gets shut due to lack of patients, we can get sent anywhere at all, at the last minute, and it really panics me.  I hate now knowing how to do things, so send me to a cardiac ward, or orthopaedic ward, so something completely different, I feel it’s dangerous and shouldn’t happen.  The patient needs the best care, and having me as a ‘nurse’ when I know nothing about that specific speciality is wrong.  It’s got to the point now where I am seriously thinking of leaving nursing.  Even though that’s the last thing I want to do, I feel like the way the ward is run, understaffed and overworked, something majorly bad has to happen before the big bosses notice we’re struggling, and makes the changes we so desperately need. 

I wish it could be a happier blog but, this is really the most positive I could make this post, I’ve had a day off and put things into perspective, which has helped me paint things in the most positive way that I can.  I love my ward and the people I work with, but sometimes it’s all way too much and I feel like I’m suffocating.  Sometimes my old job in a care home or an office job seems so much more appealing.  Is it really worth getting palpitations, being unable to sleep or eat, and barely managing to function when I’m at work? I’m not too sure to be honest.  I’d love to say I will be a nurse for life but sometimes I doubt it.  But then again I have that ridiculous stubborn streak of not being able to give in, which is the only thing that’s (just about!) getting me through this horrible stressy time.  Thank goodness for stubbornness, I’d like to think it’s character building, but maybe it’s more character destroying – only time will tell!  Next blog I’ll try really hard to write by the end of the year!

Wibble Wobble

I've been at work Saturday, Sunday, Monday day shifts, which are a lovely change from nights, but having been there since August, I'm feeling a bit of a wobble this weekend...hmmm let me try to explain a bit more...

On my ward there are generally 2-3 nurses on shift at any one time, usually 3 through the day and 2 through the night.  There are 8 full time nurses on the whole ward, used to be 9 but one has a new job, and so is leaving.  That leaves 8.  With 2 new starters in January yay! :D

So the Christmas off duty was done, I was working Christmas Day, which I expected.  However since the nurse that had a new job put in her notice, right before Christmas, which I can't blame her for (good on her -  everyone in her shoes would!) the off duty was changed, so now I am OFF Christmas Day, which I am over the moon about!  However I am first on call on Boxing Day, which means if any patient is admitted, whether on Christmas Day or Night, I will be first on call to look after them Boxing Day. 

I was ok with this until I was working a Saturday and Sunday in a row (when there are two nurses on the ward) and realised, that, if a patient got admitted for Boxing Day I'd be responsible to look after them.  Me.  On.  My.  Own.  Which freaked me out.  I literally think I was getting a panic attack when I realised.  I honestly don't think I am confident enough to manage a patient on my own, with no input or advice from other nurses milling the ward, which is stupid.  I know it's stupid.  But I really don't want to make a mistake, and I don't feel like I know enough to make an informed decision over treatments etc.  I know that's all down to experience and assertiveness.  Both of which I know I am crap at. 

So anyway, to just say I seriously love my job and my ward, I have had SO much fun lately, we've had a load of footballers in to visit, got some firemen (!) this week, and I love all the kids, I'm just having a wobble about the Christmas/New Year shifts.   Never thought I'd ever dread Christmas a little bit, as Christmas is my favourite time of year, but I'm kinda feeling really panicky about it all, which isn't a feeling I exactly like :S

First Tentative Steps In The World Of Nursing

Righto, so maybe time for a blog update?  I’ve been in my ‘new’ job 8 weeks now…and am still loving it so much!  I feel like I’ve been there years, which can only be a good thing (?) but I also feel like I have SO much to learn, SO much to read up on and SO much to do!  I guess that must be a good thing, as, I think, a decent nurse can never know everything.  Hmm that seems weird, calling myself a nurse. 

Anyway, so in terms of admin things for those starting a nurse job soon, I’ve got my pass sorted, took a couple of weeks to get I.T. to let me actually get into my own ward, but I can now!  I have my parking pass and of course, from my last blog, I found my way there!  Actually, in terms of driving, which is what was stressing me out most, a lot of things have changed…I have a new car!  Well, not ‘new’ as in brand new, but new to me.  A beautiful little mini which, to people who know me, know is my most perfect car…I literally smile every time I get in it.  I love my old car so much, he was my very first car, and he did so well…he was ‘S’ reg, rusty, one of the back doors wouldn’t open, I couldn’t get it into 2^nd or 4^th gear, his MOT ran out at the end of Sept…it was time to say goodbye, and I’m not ashamed to say I cried!  Anyhoo I ramble away…it only took a few days to get my pass in the internal mail so it was pretty quick! 

So…guess I’ll go through how things have been!  FIRST DAY…I was scared.  Totally, ridiculously, unnecessarily scared!  I was working 3 days that week, Mon, Thurs and Fri, which is good because after getting literally no sleep from panicking the night before about the drive there/will people like me/will I make an idiot out of myself/what else can I do to screw it up…I got about an hours sleep and so needed a day off to recover after the first day!

I found my way there (yay!), managed to park the car (reverse parked it too, I’ll have you know) and then found my ward, I got to the doors and there was a big sign saying ‘Ward # has closed, we have moved to Ward # at the #### Hospital’.  I was like, seriously?  Oh great, trust me to get a job on a ward where the ward shuts!  So, glancing through the ward door window and seeing it all dark, whilst fighting back tears I pressed the buzzer, ‘just in case’, and someone answered!  Woo!  One of the HCA’s buzzed me in and told me where to get changed, so I did…into my BLUE UNIFORM!  Ahhhh, this is real!  I am (supposed) to be a nurse!  I still feel like someone, somewhere has mixed my name up with someone else, but hey ho!  Surely if I’ve started, they can’t take my job off me?!

Anyway, turns out that very occasionally the ward closes on a weekend if there are no patients, or if there is one or two that other wards can take on, so that explains the sign on the door – trust me to start on a Monday when the ward had closed.  The whole day flew by.  I was introduced to all the staff, and all seem lovely, but I felt really quiet…probably still in shock at landing a nurse job, and also partly still feeling like I didn’t deserve to be working there.

Since starting there I’ve done my trust induction, done some other courses, spent some time in the pre-admission clinic, been in theatres to see some operations, and whilst the Sister has encouraged me to see lots of things, I’ve kinda been wanting to get stuck into being a nurse on the ward, I mean I’ve waited so long for the chance to do it, so whilst I may look back and think ‘I wish I’d done this or that’ I was just too excited to be a nurse!  I still am, and to be honest, think I always will be! 

I guess there have been two times when I’ve actually felt like a real nurse.  The first being the first time I counter-signed for a drug, in paeds when you administer drugs you need to get it double checked by another nurse, and as a student I could draw up medicines and do the drug calculations but could never sign for it, so the first time I could was so weird.  The second time I felt like a nurse was after I’d completed my CPR course and had to go on to pass the paeds version, I was then allowed to bring patients back to the ward from the theatre.  Honestly the first time I did it, I was paranoid something was going to go wrong like the child would stop breathing or start bleeding out or something, and I’d need to jump into action.  As time has gone on I’ve become more relaxed, as in, I can chat away to the child and the parents, whilst still being able to continually assess the child at the same time.  I know it’s only something little, but I was chatting to a friend about it, about how if something happened and I’d need to do CPR, and my friend was like ‘yeah, but you’d have someone with you, like a doctor, who can do it instead of you’ and I was telling them that no, it would be down to me.  I think that’s when it hit me the amount of responsibility I’m taking on, but in a good way, as I feel completely capable of it which is something I never thought I’d ever be able to say.

Right now I’ve just finished a big stint at work, having started Saturday morning and finished yesterday (Friday) morning, a mixture of 2 days and 4 nights in a row, which made me feel like I was living at work, but I really do love it.  I’m starting to feel a bit more like part of the team, I know no team is perfect, and there are always ups and downs, but I feel on the whole, we’re a good team.  I’m really enjoying every part of the job and it’s going so quick.  I still feel like the new girl but in some ways I don’t.  Very strange feeling!

The Christmas Off Duty is out and it looks like I’ll be working or on call for most of it, but that’s ok.  I’m just excited to finally be living the dream, I am so so so happy and I’m finally beginning to feel like all the hard work, stress and drama has been worth it :D I got a letter booking me on to my preceptorship course, where I have one study day a month for 6 months, I start in November so will finish in April and the scary thing is it will be April before we know!  I think I need to write an essay of some sort but I’m sure that will be explained in the first lecture.  It’s all so real now, and I wouldn’t want it any other way!

For now, I will wish you all goodbye and try not to leave it too long til the next blog!

You know when you feel so happy, you worry something is going to go wrong?!

I got my job offer on 4th July, and my start date is 20th August...as in NEXT MONDAY! So six and a half weeks isn't bad I guess!

As things are, they haven't been as stressful as I thought they would be. Human Resources (HR) contacted my references, then contacted me to say they hadn't received my references, at which point I thought I'd have a major freak out, but I didn't. Mainly because I keep thinking they've made a mistake and that I haven't really got this job, something will go wrong. So I was half expecting it. In reality though, they contacted my references AFTER my CRB came back, then contacted me the very next day to ask why they hadn't received my references...not even post works that quick! I assumed that they would contact my references the day they offered, and I (gleefully, whilst crying) accepted the job, but that is not that case it seems.

Anyhoo, I was enjoying a day at Seahouses, on the beach, my most favourite place in the whole wide world, when I received a voicemail to say that I hadn't had my references back. Turns out my Uni tutor emailed them back instantly :) and my Care Home boss replied super quick, but I needed an upstanding member of the public reference too, no idea why, but he got the reference request and wrote it, then drove halfway round the town to find somewhere to fax it from, bless him. So whilst paddling in the North Sea, in my favourite place in the world, I finally got my confirmation of my dream job :D

From then, I had to make an appointment to the Linen Room to get my uniform, of which I was worried they would not have a uniform to fit someone the size of a small island, but happily they did! I got my tunics and trousers, was offered a dress but people that know me know I don't 'do' dresses...!  I needed my trousers taken up, which they kindly offered to do for free, I just came back the next day, to collect, which was today!  I really feel that they linen room staff don’t get much of a recognition for what they do, I mean they took my trousers up for free AND put my name and ward on a label inside the trousers.  I’m planning on taking them some nice biscuits in, because their room is underground and I bet they don’t get many ‘Thank You’s’ that they so much deserve for providing all the uniforms to everyone in all the Newcastle Hospitals. 

I’m kind of writing this blog still as a student, as I still can’t believe I finally did it.  Also, hope my blog will help those getting offered jobs, to see how things progress when they’ve got that all important job offer.  Lots of people I’ve talked about it to are asking what I’m worried about, and all I can think of is driving there.  I am so confident in the job, the people, the ward, everything, but I have no spatial awareness whatsoever.  If I think I’m lost, I generally turn left, for no apparent reason.  Seriously.  I mean I’m a safe driver, I just have no idea where I am half the time.  My Mam and Dad, bless them, have spent so much time teaching me how to get to the hospital, coming with me in the car so I know where I am, but I am clueless, got to give so much praise to community nurses and health visitors.  I am ridiculously useless in terms of directions, but I plan to set off early so I get there on time, and I think if that’s the most of my worries, then I’m doing ok! 

I start on Monday, my absolute dream job, and to be honest I CAN’T WAIT.  I am so excited.  I keep thinking of it and keep smiling.  I am so happy, I don’t think it’s legal for someone to be this happy.  This ward seems amazing and if I could have any chance for a job, this ward would be my top choice.  I just can’t believe I have this job!  I am so excited, I’m desperate to get stuck in and be part of the team, and although I have a few training days, getting my ID, sorting out my parking pass and such in the way, I really, absolutely, 100% can’t wait to be the best nurse in the world. 

I’m still so happy!  Hurry up Monday!!!

GOT A JOB!!!

So...after 19 months, 11 interviews, plenty of tears and a whole lot of knocks to my confidents...

I GOT A JOB!!!

I did it!  I can't believe it, and I'm still sure that, knowing me, something is bound to go wrong!  I keep waiting for someone to say they've made a mistake but so far, so good!

I'm so excited!  I found out yesterday and haven't stopped smiling since! :D  I woke up at 4am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep because I was so excited! 

So far, I need to wait on my references and my CRB, which I'm sure will be ok, but til then I haven't told many people, in case something goes wrong.  I went to the pub last night to celebrate, and after having done a night shift the night before (I've been working in a care home) and getting the phone call the morning after, I'd not had anything to eat, was knackered and so after a couple of pints of real ale, I fell, yes, that's right, FELL, out of the pub and was like 'now is NOT the time to break a leg!!!'

Anyway, I am so happy.  I know I said I was giving up but I didn't, I kept applying for jobs, got a few interviews, got nowhere, it didn't seem right writing the same thing in the blog as it would just get repetitive, but I'm updating it now as I have some news!
I actually can't tell you all how over the moon I am.  I keep finding myself smiling and I feel so happy I will burst in to rainbows!  I think even winning the lottery would not feel this good, it makes everything so worth while!

If anyone reads this, and is struggling to find a job, believe me I know how you feel, and I know it won't make much difference but please don't give up, I didn't though I felt like is SO many times, it will be so worth it in the end :D

Just...sad :(

I'm sad :(

I didn't get the job, unsuprisingly, I was completely crap at the interview, even I wouldn't have given myself the job! Nerves got the better of me. I did everything I could, I read up on everything, practised my interview answers, I was completely prepared. But despite me feeling I did crap at interview, the Sister who phoned to say I was unsucessful, said it had gone to someone with more experience. Yet again. I feel completely let down by the RCN, NMC, Uni, and of course myself. I was led to believe I'd walk into a job after qualifying, but the way the government is now, it's not what you know, it's who you know, and it's not how good you are, it's how clever you play the game.

All I can say is - after 10 months being qualified, applying for pretty much every job going, both here and world wide (seriously), preparing for my interviews weeks in advance, doing good (mainly) at interviews but losing out to qualified or bank staff, recieving excellent feed back, or if not excellent feedback, constructive criticism, reading up on areas I need to, keeping up to date with current affairs and doing as much charity work as I can - I AM DONE. It's over. End of. I can't put myself through this anymore. Yes, I want to be a nurse more than anything in the world but I have to face it, I'm clearly not good enough. I've been sad for the last few days from the interview. But I've decided, I'm done. I'm just...done. I can't do it anymore. I thought it would be a relief to finally admit defeat in nursing, but it's not, I just feel sad. Good Luck to all student nurses for your future x

Little (but long) Update

I realised that I have not made a blog post for a while, after it was pointed out...(thanks Suzie!) :)

Anyway I guess it was time, it's been a while! Prepare for a HUGE blog. Seriously, make yourself a cup of tea and get some chocolate hobnobs ready to dunk.

So what has been up? I've had a couple of interviews, of which I've asked, prior to interview, to have a look round the ward, just to get a feel for things. I have to say, I recommend this SO much to all NQ there. You can gather so much valuable info there as well as working out what the best things are to read up for to help with interview.

For example, time before last I asked to look round, I got there at the appointed time I arranged...and they didn't know who I was or what I was doing there (Note: You're so un-important you clearly have no chance at the job, as in, they have someone internal for the job...) the time before, all the nurses chatted about when 'person a' got the job, how would they fit 'person a' shifts in with the off duty, when 'person a' was on her holidays who would do what...basically the job had been filled way before us monkeys turned up for interview. But to be fair, I think it learns you more as an applicant, when they can't be arsed to even pretend you're important do you really want to work there? The answer would be no, unless you were like me, and 9 months into qualifying so you're so desperate for a nurse job you just smile and nod. You basically go for the job and try to jump hoops at the interview, knowing full well you haven't got a chance. And are so polite to the people who ring you to say you didn't get it (how you'd love to tell them where to go and exactly what you thought of their ward...yet you refrain in case you get an interview in 6 months time.) It's all so fixed.

I have an interview next week and I went for a look around last week, to be honest, it felt different. I don't know if that is a real positive, or just a positive I'm desperately searching for. I went and they were expecting me. I met one of the sisters and she took the time out to show me round. I met the other sister and she recognised me, at the time I thought it was because she'd seen me round the hospital, but later realised that she was in the interview panel who didn't give me a job in A&E (...so, not good!) but I looked around, recognised a few faces from nurses to physios I had worked with (am sure they recognised me as 'the fat one' haha - better to be known as something than not to be known at all!), but, because I went for a look around, I feel like it's not as scary.

The ward itself is amazing, the sister said they see 1200 patients a week. Busy, but I would love that so much. I went to visit and I just wanted so much to get stuck in. I left feeling that I wanted to stay. I don't know if that's the ward, or maybe it's just having been so long out of nursing that I'm craving it so much. I feel so shit, being unemployed as a nurse and wanting it so much. I mean if a ward give me a job on the provision that I would be night nurse for a year, I'd take it. I miss working with the patients, helping them, doing all I can, I want to nurse so much.

If I'm completely 100% honest with myself, if I don't get this job, I really think that is it. I assumed, due to the idealistic views of University that you would just walk into a job. That is SO not the case. That may be just due to that case that I've chosen to do children's nursing and not adults or mental health, as I've heard that there are so many jobs available there. I don't know if it's due to politics of the country, but university shouldn't get student nurses hopes up, I can honestly say my experience of university in terms of nursing has been so poor, very unstructured and really unsupportive. I know tutors (and not all, I realise) are busy but sometimes the odd bit of help once we're qualified would go a long way - it's all good enough when we're in Uni and learning, but once we're all qualified, we're quickly forgotten. As you may know I went to Uni previously to get a degree in Psychology, and I can honestly say, hand on heart, that the tutors there were ten times the ones in 'nurse school'. It is such a shame.